Millennials are Murdering Murder

As a longtime citizen of this country and staunch defender of time-honored values, I can get over a lot of the baloney that those young so-called “Millennials” have done in their recent society-destroying years, but now they have gone too far. First they came for manners, and then they eradicated the 9-5 workday, but now, they have the gall to destroy a time-honored tenement of our society: those bastards are killing killing.

Back in my day, when we didn’t like someone, we didn’t “unfriend” them or send them a mean meme; we talked face to face as adults and then stabbed them in the gut. There is nothing like the pure human connection of seeing the light leave that bastard’s eyes as you let him know just how you feel about him sleeping with your wife with an ice pick, rather than sending  a text message. I committed my first murder when I was sixteen and that was the moment I became a man.  But here we are with these kids too lazy to get off of their asses and go take care of business.

Millennials are murdering the sacred art of murder, and they don’t even care! All of these liberal peace hipsters are going on like, “violence isn’t the answer” and, “no, Grandpa, I can’t break into her house tomorrow night and smother her with her own pillow!” instead of growing some balls and planning a way to solve their problem for good. But then again, they don’t even know how to solve problems or plan an attack. They insist on going to liberal arts colleges and getting English Psychology pansy degrees instead of learning practical life skills such as how to hold a knife properly or which ribs to stab between to hit the heart.

And of course, not everyone can go out and do the killing that they need to. But everyone over thirty knows that you just hire someone to do what you can’t. We have an entire industry of killers-for-hire that is integral to the dark web economy, but millennials are too cheap and lazy to pay for an essential service. Just imagine all of the poor trained killers that will never get a job to support their families because some youngster would rather buy avocado toast.

Millennials are murdering murder and assassinating assassination, and it just kills me!