Physicians Report Senioritis Still Plagues First-Year Students

When high-school seniors first began showing symptoms of extreme apathy last winter, it was explained away with a generic diagnosis of ‘Senioritis.’ Senioritis, a common seasonal condition, normally hits 17- to 18-year-old students with symptoms including a sudden inability to read clocks, a preference for clothing that resembles blankets, and selective hearing. In a clinical study, ‘due,’ ‘test,’ ‘study,’ and ‘required,’ were found to be the most frequently ignored stimuli.

But while it was expected that the annual strain of senioritis would set in last September, and continue claiming victims through May, an unsettling number of youth haven’t overcome their cases. The normal prescriptions and remedies aren’t working, either. “The regular panacea for senioritis is graduating high school or attending college,” stated a Vanderbilt University faculty member in the Department of Pathology, Microbiology, and Immunology. “But some freshmen — ahem, the loved, respected, and wonderful first-year members of the class of 2020 — are still experiencing certain symptoms. The pathological field has concluded that a new strain of Senioritis has become immune to the usual vaccine.”

Students report struggling with punctuality, wearing presentable clothing, and generally feeling underappreciated. “I honestly feel really attacked, ‘cause I just can’t wear my Snuggie to class like I used to,” one concerned freshman confided. “Like, I knew Vandy had a reputation for wearing trendy stuff, but c’mon, Snuggies are timeless.”

“When I explained, perfectly rationally, to my professor that I was late because the coffeeshop line was long,” continued another, “they still took off points from my participation grade — as if PSL’s weren’t a legitimate excuse!”

Other members of the freshman class expressed disappointment with the lack of recognition in college. “I haven’t received a single certificate since I’ve gotten here,” complained one student. “Not to mention that there’s only been a handful of banquets held in my honor. How am I meant to feel properly valued and adored?”

“I keep handing out professional photographs of me sitting in a big field and no one wants them,” said a girl through tears. “Not even the ones of me looking super contemplative on the railroad tracks!”

One particularly confused student was seen looking dazed, as he repeatedly stopped strangers on Peabody Bridge to ask, “Yo, when is skip day?”

The research world is working furiously on a cure for this new strain of the disease, but it is only spreading. “The only time such a virus has spread this fast was rapid infection of the Stop Kony 2012 movement, but there’s no sign of viral-burnout here. The kids are dropping like flies,” commented a Vanderbilt University Medical Center staff member in the Pathology, Microbiology, and Immunology Department.

It is possible that perhaps no one will be able to escape that carefree, lackadaisical joy of a senior year, all the way up through being a senior citizen. No one is safe. No one is immune. And no one, perhaps, will be without their Snuggies and Starbucks, as they casually stroll into the office twenty minutes late, certificates and headshots in hand.