According to anxious watchers, freshman Jane Smith has been typing away on her phone in Sutherland House’s fifth floor common room for six hours and counting. When asked about how long she thought the phone break would last, she replied that she “probably wouldn’t take that long.” “Yeah, all I need to do is start working on my paper that’s due tomorrow --don’t worry … [Read more...] about Report: Girl on Phone Waiting to Start Work Any Day Now
Officials tighten border security over fears of Mexican banditos, Zorro, chupacabras
According to Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen, recent tightening of border security is a result of “those darn Mexican banditos taking over.” “I mean, have you ever seen a single Western movie? You know how those banditos are,” a Border Patrol spokesman said. “By the time you see their sombreros, they’ll threaten you with their Colt revolvers and take your … [Read more...] about Officials tighten border security over fears of Mexican banditos, Zorro, chupacabras
Comedians send thank-you letter to President Trump for saving satire
Panoramic view of the White House in Washington, D.C. In a long-anticipated gesture, comedians and satirists around the country are signing a letter addressed to President Donald Trump to express their undying gratitude for his contributions to the state of humor in the United States. A coalition of humorists will formally present the framed array of signatures to the White … [Read more...] about Comedians send thank-you letter to President Trump for saving satire
Chancellor announces plan to pop “Vanderbubble” with gigantic needle
Vanderbilt students have been trapped inside the VanderBubble since 2000 Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos has announced an ambitious initiative to pop the colossal bubble surrounding campus with a 95-meter long needle. The needle will be 3D printed in the Wond’ry over the course of two months and eventually attached to a tower crane. Dubbed the “Vanderbubble,” the giant … [Read more...] about Chancellor announces plan to pop “Vanderbubble” with gigantic needle
Vanderbilt Establishes Happiness Police Force After Alarming Drop in University’s Happiness Ranking
According to a press release by university administration, Vanderbilt will establish a new full-time Happiness Police Force in the wake of concerns over the university’s dramatic fall from #1 to #3 on the Princeton Review’s Happiest Students ranking. In an effort to make students happy again, the new professional police force will patrol campus and be stationed inside … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt Establishes Happiness Police Force After Alarming Drop in University’s Happiness Ranking