Hey, Jo. We need to talk.
This just isn’t like you. You’re normally such a wonderfully reclusive author, and we just have to admire your perfectly savage tweets from afar to have a flourishing author-readership relationship. We’ve loved spending time in your truly beautiful literary world, and we’ve grown up with Harry as you’ve grown up as a writer.
But this behavior is absolutely out of control. You want to make five of these Fantastic Beast movies now? And have a play in both the West End and on Broadway? And what the hell was that Cursed Child book? We’re putting our foot down. This needs to stop. And it needs to stop now.
Do you need money? Is that what started this spiral? Your fandom and I gave you more than 2.2 billion dollars over the last twenty years, which we thought would be enough to support you. And we want to support you, but we can’t stand seeing what you’re doing to yourself and only fueling this addiction to bad additions to the Potterverse.
Are you just crying out for attention? We know that since the original movies ended, your life must feel as empty as the plot of the Fantastic Beasts film, but we could actually do all of Pottermore this time. We could drag our families to the theme park again. We’d support your charity, Lumos, which is actually really wonderful. We could even read more than the back-cover-blurbs of all those novels you wrote as a guy named Robert. But please, stop trying to make more of these movies. And books. And plays. And scripts. And we know you’re not in charge of the coloring books, but those are getting pretty out of hand.
We have the receipts. In 2007, you said, “I think that Harry’s story comes to quite a clear end in Book Seven.” Then how do you explain the detailed account of Harry’s midlife crisis that appeared this summer? How do you explain a book that has your name on the cover but reads like someone who had only experienced the wizarding world through GIF sets and Halloween costumes from 2006 decided to scrawl out an angst-themed fanfiction? When will the lies end?
This is such a change from who you used to be- maybe it’s the people you’ve been hanging out with. You haven’t been talking to Peter Jackson, have you? Or even George Lucas? Do you even know what happened there? Do you want to be despised by the very fan base that you created? Prequel-enthusiasts are real addicts. Don’t succumb to the peer pressure, Jo.
We love you, Jo, and we want what’s best for you. But you need to leave the universe of these novels before we lose all respect for you. This addiction needs to end. Please consider getting help: go talk to authors who knew when to stop. Have a chat with John Green. Go call up Suzanne Collins. Have a seance with Harper Lee or J.D. Salinger. We wanted more Harry Potter, but we never wanted this. We’re only doing this to save you from yourself.