By Turd Ferguson On Monday afternoon, the Dean of the Commons released a memo concerning a new facet of the “virtual roommate” program. In addition to VUcept and regular virtual roommate meetings, Vanderbilt freshmen will now have access to a new Zoom feature – a button on the taskbar that allows them to walk in on their virtual roommate at the worst possible time. “I … [Read more...] about Social Distancing Win: Freshmen Can Now Virtually Walk in on Roommate Jacking Off
The recent campus eviction has left many Vanderbilt students confused. However, the administration is now “asking” students to return to Vanderbilt, as the coronavirus is feeling rather lonely on campus. Its only friends remain at the Wesley apartments where it resides often. Mr. COVID-19 described his March visit as friendly and welcoming. “I’ve never felt so included. A … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt to Require Students to Return to Campus because Coronavirus Feels “Lonely”
By A Student Who Fears Not Getting Good Housing for Publishing This Along with the announcement regarding the new name for Residential College A, Vanderbilt University has announced that future residential colleges will be constructed without functioning HVAC systems. “We’re excited for this change,” said an administrator in the FutureVU office. “We believe that not … [Read more...] about New Residential Colleges to Not Have Full Kitchen, HVAC
According to anxious watchers, freshman Jane Smith has been typing away on her phone in Sutherland House’s fifth floor common room for six hours and counting. When asked about how long she thought the phone break would last, she replied that she “probably wouldn’t take that long.” “Yeah, all I need to do is start working on my paper that’s due tomorrow --don’t worry … [Read more...] about Report: Girl on Phone Waiting to Start Work Any Day Now
While campus assaults are now as common as squirrels and bad grades, I'm starting to wonder if VUPD actually exists. VUPD is the second largest police force in Tennessee-- there are probably more Vandy police officers than there are people passed out near Rahna's on a Thursday night-- but after all these incidents, I just wanna know: where they at?? So I took this matter … [Read more...] about VUPD: Where they at?