In a measure widely decried by Commons first-years as “not the move,” the Vanderbilt administration shifted to twice-weekly testing for the spring semester. This change in policy comes as Covid-19 ravages the country and, more importantly, Los Angeles, where half of Vanderbilt students are actually from. As always, Slant news is on the case while Hustler news picks its nose … [Read more...] about More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment
Recently, NASA made the tremendous discovery of water on the moon. Now, this has a lot of implications for science as a whole. Once forgotten dreams of moon popsicles and hot tubs have now become a reality in our intergalactic journey. Many companies are now trying to make their foray into this abundant new resource. Nestle has already militarized their lawyers to have complete … [Read more...] about Water Discovered on the Moon, Seaworld Announces New Initiative: “Abusing Animals but in Space”
By Turd Ferguson Just weeks after performing the world’s first dual heart-lung transplant on a patient with COVID-19, the Vanderbilt University Medical Center continues to break new ground in the surgical field. In a press conference, VUMC announced that it had successfully performed the world’s first really, really fat ass transplant. Although fat ass transplants have been … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt University Medical Center Performs World’s First Really, Really Fat Ass Transplant
Following the success of the groundbreaking novel Kissing the Coronavirus, an erotic tale that personified Covid as a sexy beast of a man, authors worldwide are rushing to jump on a new literary wave. Publishing companies now compare viral fiction to the late 2000s-early 2010s boom in young adult dystopian literature. Although one may appear to be an offshoot of the other, the … [Read more...] about What’s Next for Pandemic Erotica?
Vanderbilt University’s research labs have discovered a vaccine for the novel coronavirus strand, potentially signaling the end of the pandemic in America. News media began singing Vanderbilt’s praise and bipartisan support rose, with Mitch McConnell close to passing a “Let’s Not be so Awful Because of Vanderbilt” bill through Congress. Nationwide celebrations commenced and … [Read more...] about Breaking News: Vandy Discovers Vaccine, Won’t Release It Till Rest of SEC Says “Uncle”