NASHVILLE, TN: Reporting from the Commons, sources close to your roommate confirmed that he’s in a play or some shit this Friday night. “We’re not entirely sure what exactly is going on Friday night, but it seems like this guy’s been going to rehearsals or something for weeks now,” an unnamed source close to the theatre department or some dance group said. Reports … [Read more...] about REPORT: Roommate has a Play or Some Shit (News In Brief)
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Report: Efforts at Vividly Imagining Cunt Punching Slow Walkers No Closer to Making Them Actually Speed Up
COMMONS BRIDGE -- Manifesting, a tried and tested science, once again has failed the speedier students of Vanderbilt University. Hot off the success of the Gillette students imagining better water pressure in their showers moments before disaster and getting more than they asked for, other Vandy students have come face to face with the failures that come from mentally targeting … [Read more...] about Report: Efforts at Vividly Imagining Cunt Punching Slow Walkers No Closer to Making Them Actually Speed Up
In Attempts to Reduce Number of COVID Cases, Vanderbilt Eliminates Students
BREAKING: Vanderbilt officials have just reported their administration’s bold new step in reducing the reported number of COVID cases. In what many would call a drastic change, Vanderbilt is planning to eliminate the student body. “98% of the rise in COVID cases in recent months has been attributed to the undergraduate students. The logical next step in lessening the … [Read more...] about In Attempts to Reduce Number of COVID Cases, Vanderbilt Eliminates Students
Make-a-Wish President Fired After Allowing 8-Year-Old Leukemia Patient to Steer Cargo Liner Through Suez Canal
By Turd Ferguson PORT SAID, EGYPT – On March 23rd, the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, completely blocking one of the world’s most vital trade routes and setting back some supply chains as much as nine months. Critics have placed blame on officials in both the International Trade Administration and the Suez Canal Authority for the unprecedented catastrophe, but … [Read more...] about Make-a-Wish President Fired After Allowing 8-Year-Old Leukemia Patient to Steer Cargo Liner Through Suez Canal
Jeff Bezos to Step Down in Order to Pursue New Role as Boiled Egg
Former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has announced his retirement from the billion-dollar tech company. To the dismay of many Robinhood users, Amazon’s stock did not fluctuate by more than five percent, causing many call options to expire and leaving traders with an empty 401K. Bezos’ retirement comes as a shock to many. With a successful year of stomping out that local elderly … [Read more...] about Jeff Bezos to Step Down in Order to Pursue New Role as Boiled Egg