By Turd Ferguson PORT SAID, EGYPT – On March 23rd, the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, completely blocking one of the world’s most vital trade routes and setting back some supply chains as much as nine months. Critics have placed blame on officials in both the International Trade Administration and the Suez Canal Authority for the unprecedented catastrophe, but … [Read more...] about Make-a-Wish President Fired After Allowing 8-Year-Old Leukemia Patient to Steer Cargo Liner Through Suez Canal
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Jeff Bezos to Step Down in Order to Pursue New Role as Boiled Egg
Former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has announced his retirement from the billion-dollar tech company. To the dismay of many Robinhood users, Amazon’s stock did not fluctuate by more than five percent, causing many call options to expire and leaving traders with an empty 401K. Bezos’ retirement comes as a shock to many. With a successful year of stomping out that local elderly … [Read more...] about Jeff Bezos to Step Down in Order to Pursue New Role as Boiled Egg
WandaVision Cancelled Following Episode Where Wanda Attends CPAC
Uh oh! Everyone’s favorite Disney+ show (you guys actually watch this?) is in hot water following a controversial recent episode. A shocking plotline sees Wanda, played by Mary-Kate and Ashley’s more relevant sister Elizabeth, take a trip to scenic Orlando with some neighborhood friends to attend the Conservative Political Action Conference, colloquially known as CPAC. … [Read more...] about WandaVision Cancelled Following Episode Where Wanda Attends CPAC
More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment
In a measure widely decried by Commons first-years as “not the move,” the Vanderbilt administration shifted to twice-weekly testing for the spring semester. This change in policy comes as Covid-19 ravages the country and, more importantly, Los Angeles, where half of Vanderbilt students are actually from. As always, Slant news is on the case while Hustler news picks its nose … [Read more...] about More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment
Water Discovered on the Moon, Seaworld Announces New Initiative: “Abusing Animals but in Space”
Recently, NASA made the tremendous discovery of water on the moon. Now, this has a lot of implications for science as a whole. Once forgotten dreams of moon popsicles and hot tubs have now become a reality in our intergalactic journey. Many companies are now trying to make their foray into this abundant new resource. Nestle has already militarized their lawyers to have complete … [Read more...] about Water Discovered on the Moon, Seaworld Announces New Initiative: “Abusing Animals but in Space”