By Zak Stengel The news comes after an unprecedented visit from Baron Trump to the White House to actually see his parents for the first time since Childish Gambino came out with his “This is America” music video. Insiders say that he claimed feeling “unsafe” in school due to tweens using and loading up on gum without any caution. One student apparently offered him a mint … [Read more...] about Trump Administration Places Background Checks on Gum Purchases After 3 Choking Deaths Reported in the Last Twenty Years
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Branscomb Resident Tests Positive for Bubonic Plague
By Mikayla Hernandez-Guevara An unnamed Lupton 3 resident has recently tested positive for the Black Plague, campus officials released in a shocking statement on Monday. The student in question is currently admitted in VUMC, undergoing rigorous bloodletting treatments and daily urine baths. No word has been released as to the effectiveness of the treatments, but anyone … [Read more...] about Branscomb Resident Tests Positive for Bubonic Plague
University Pleased To Report Sexual Assault Rates Not High Enough For Them To Have To Do Anything About It Yet
Findings from the Association of American Universities’ Student Campus Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Misconduct were released last week. Vanderbilt University officials were pleased to announce that our rates of sexual violence were pretty much the same as everyone else’s, thank God. “We were really worried that our rates of sexual assault on campus were going to be … [Read more...] about University Pleased To Report Sexual Assault Rates Not High Enough For Them To Have To Do Anything About It Yet
Assessing the 2020 Presidential Candidates
Kamala Harris She’s a woman, Jamaican, and Indian, ‘nuff said. If you read that as a good thing, congratulations, you’re woke, but also, Dems may need to reign in identity politics if we want to win elections. She’s a cop. But not a fun one, like Ice-T in SVU. She’s more like the judge who, off-screen, locks up the guy Ice-T caught earlier in the episode. Going off … [Read more...] about Assessing the 2020 Presidential Candidates
This isn’t Satire, But Here Are Ten Reasons Why You Should Vote for Bernie
By Charles Kay and Taylor Matalon The foundation of Bernie’s platform is equitably redistributing our country’s immense wealth. Why? Because the top 1% have more money than the bottom 90% and the ten richest families hold 76% of our country’s wealth. Nothing funny here, just historically unprecedented levels of economic inequality and a man trying to resurrect the working … [Read more...] about This isn’t Satire, But Here Are Ten Reasons Why You Should Vote for Bernie