By Miles Borowsky First of all, I need to apologize. Neither of us thought we’d be in this position—but alas, here we are. Here I sit, at home in my queen-size bed with freshly cleaned sheets (thanks mom. God knows the last time I washed my sheets at school), while you’re about to face quite possibly the most excruciating, arduous, repulsive task you’ve ever been confronted … [Read more...] about A Letter to the UPS Employee Packing Up My Dorm
Life
Vanderbilt to Require Students to Return to Campus because Coronavirus Feels “Lonely”
By Kyle Kowalski The recent campus eviction has left many Vanderbilt students confused. However, the administration is now “asking” students to return to Vanderbilt, as the coronavirus is feeling rather lonely on campus. Its only friends remain at the Wesley apartments where it resides often. Mr. COVID-19 described his March visit as friendly and welcoming. “I’ve never … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt to Require Students to Return to Campus because Coronavirus Feels “Lonely”
A Selection of Hate Mail I’ve Written to that Rat-Fuck Charles Entertainment Cheese
By Chris Loveland Ever since I was little I’ve cared about two things. The first: my loving parents. The second: that rat-fuck who goes by the name Chuck E. Cheese. I remember the moment my life changed forever. I was seven, it was my birthday, and I was spending it at Charles’ humble abode. Everything was going swimmingly—I was rolling through games and I had even … [Read more...] about A Selection of Hate Mail I’ve Written to that Rat-Fuck Charles Entertainment Cheese
How to go to a Frat in a God Honoring Way
By Alycia Shipley It's a Friday night, and your friends want to go to a real party. Apparently to them, a BYX party is not a real party. Tired of only being offered La Croixs and Capri Suns, they tell you that there’s a party at Delt. You belligerently agree to go because the Toga Party seems the closest to preaching the lord’s word. However, you are more than ready to tell … [Read more...] about How to go to a Frat in a God Honoring Way
The ABC’s of your Valentine’s date
By Rachel Haselkorn Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and if you are single you’re probably already painfully aware of this fact. While you may have already given up on the prospect of finding a date in time for this cursèd holiday, I am here to bring you hope. As supported by my uninterrupted nineteen-year streak of being single, I am a master of seduction. I will now … [Read more...] about The ABC’s of your Valentine’s date