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The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Horoscopes

Retrospective First Semester Horoscopes

February 4, 2019 by Spencer Castle

The first semester of the 2018-2019 school year ended about four weeks ago. That means your horoscope can actually be somewhat accurate now! Aquarius - The stars aligned last semester so that every Bird you rented caused one child in Africa to die. You already knew that, though, didn’t you? Pisces - Have you ever wondered what it would be like to fit three unprotected … [Read more...] about Retrospective First Semester Horoscopes

Second Semester Horoscopes

February 15, 2018 by Katie Means

Welcome, children of the universe! We’ve done some careful observation of the stars and determined the forecast for your spring semester.Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)Uranus is moving from Aries into Taurus, which means a time of great changes is approaching. Definitely buy more underwear.Pisces (February 19 to March 20)Neptune, your planet, remains in Pisces – … [Read more...] about Second Semester Horoscopes

Horoscope for 4/20

April 20, 2017 by Slant Staff

Aries: Get stoned as fuck and dig through the trash for an hour. There’s gotta be something good there.Taurus: Get stoned as fuck and find the longest stick in the woods. Venus is currently in your fifth house of discovery, so you’ll probably find a bag of weed at some point, too.Gemini: Get stoned as fuck. Look at the top of this page, look at the bottom left corner, now turn … [Read more...] about Horoscope for 4/20

Your Homecoming Tailgate Experience Based on Your Horoscope

October 22, 2016 by Katie Means

It’s homecoming weekend. Alumni are back on campus, ready to relive their glory days, freshmen are waking up with the realization that they hooked up with an ugly 24 year old last night, and Vanderbilt Football is getting hyped up for a game we hopefully won’t lose. But what’s in store this weekend for you? The Slant consulted our horoscope guru to find out. (We still don’t … [Read more...] about Your Homecoming Tailgate Experience Based on Your Horoscope

Your UF Tailgate Experience According to Your Horoscope

September 30, 2016 by Katie Means

The astrological forces have been waiting for this day, and it’s now less than 24 hours away. The UF tailgate is a highly anticipated cosmic event, so it’s best to stay informed. The Slant checked in with our Horoscope Guru to get the scoop on what’ll go down. Editor’s note: A new star sign has been discovered, but as Ophiuchus is the Hufflepuff of the star signs, we don’t … [Read more...] about Your UF Tailgate Experience According to Your Horoscope

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