By Bonnie Bu Some people just spawn fresh out of summer. Tousled OBX-lookin-ass-hair and tanned, jaundice-free skin are their entire look. Maybe they’re even wearing $70 Rainbow flip flops; we all love a little exposed toe! The first day of classes is a great time to shoot your submissive shot with someone, and that’s why the seats next to individuals with such features seem … [Read more...] about NEW KINK ALERT: My Classmate is Exploiting Me Daily for Notes But I Kind of Like it
The Vanderbilt Biological Sciences Department recently announced that one of their students, junior Gimli Turner, has cured cancer. Doctors around the world are applauding Turner’s tireless efforts toward curing this enigmatic, tenacious disease—a true medical miracle. His roommate, Dory Wimmer Jr., says the idea simply happened upon Turner one night as he was working in his … [Read more...] about Vandy Student Mixes Adderall with Kissam Açaí, Wins Two Nobel Prizes Posthumously Because it Fucking Killed Him
Ever since he filled the pool in his fourth house’s backyard with crude oil because he “liked the way it feels on [his] tummy,” Chancellor Diermeier has been in deep shit regarding sustainability. Things got especially heated for the self-proclaimed German Germ when he refused to apologize for the incident. “Furries are acceptable in this God-forsaken world but oil play is … [Read more...] about Drinks, Dryers and Democracy: Here are 37 Ways Diermeier is Making Vandy Greener
Gully Hender, a known masochist Commodore majoring in neuroscience on a premed track, had been up studying for three consecutives nights in preparation for his biochemistry exam. In order to stay focused, he drank a total of nine Bang Energys and took 100 milligrams of unprescribed Adderall. With shaking hands, dark circles under his eyes and a budding erection, Hender walked … [Read more...] about Masochist STEM Major Orgasms During Midterm
By Bryce Hanson and Josh Linett I’m a simple man. Give me the finest room in Rothschild, unlimited Rand cookies, the workload of an HOD major with the prestige of biomedical engineering, a villa on the white-sand beaches of Radnor Lake, a scooter made by Ferrari that I stole from the football player down the hall, a math econ double major to defraud my taxes, and I’ll be … [Read more...] about What’s with All of These Club Rejections? Don’t They Know Who My Dad Is?