After several months of complete degradation for a crumb of social acceptance, you’ve finally become an official member of your favorite frat. Nice going bro! That’s so ferda! Unfortunately, this probably means you’ve been an dick to everybody else in your life since at least January, but don’t worry! They can’t be mad at you because you let them know you were going to be … [Read more...] about Seven Discreet Ways People Said They Were Pledging
Make-a-Wish President Fired After Allowing 8-Year-Old Leukemia Patient to Steer Cargo Liner Through Suez Canal
By Turd Ferguson PORT SAID, EGYPT – On March 23rd, the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, completely blocking one of the world’s most vital trade routes and setting back some supply chains as much as nine months. Critics have placed blame on officials in both the International Trade Administration and the Suez Canal Authority for the unprecedented catastrophe, but … [Read more...] about Make-a-Wish President Fired After Allowing 8-Year-Old Leukemia Patient to Steer Cargo Liner Through Suez Canal
Rating the Statues on Campus by How Fuckable They Are
7/10 Sleek, sexy but a little bit boring. This statue is nothing exciting, but definitely worth the fuck. The hole in the middle makes things pretty easy, but if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can probably do better. 1/10 NO. Do not even think about it. This is by far the least fuckable statue on campus. No matter what you try to do with it, you’re ending … [Read more...] about Rating the Statues on Campus by How Fuckable They Are
Big Pharma Has My Heart…And My Uterus
Dear Big Pharma, Thank you for changing my birth control for the fifth time these past eleven months! I’m so happy to have you change the mix of hormones you’re pumping into my body every month or two. The physical and emotional effects of you messing around really keep me on my toes, or more accurately, in a constant state of emotional imbalance since you’re … [Read more...] about Big Pharma Has My Heart…And My Uterus
A Confession to the Melodores
Everyone has their weird shit that they like. Unfortunately for me, a big part of my sexual awakening came from thinking that Jesse from Pitch Perfect was the hottest man on this planet, meaning that my weird kink is a cappella. Could it have just been something kind of normal? Or some relatively vanilla Fifty Shades shit like every other white woman in America? No. Of course … [Read more...] about A Confession to the Melodores