By John Dough Junior whom I met at the tailgateI thought thy bore resemblance to an angelic being Standing benevolently in an ocean of inebriated socialites And sorority girls who claim they never had a “hoe phase” in high school Thine infinite, empyrean beautyDoth truly make me feel flustered, enamored, and completeBut it wasn’t until you cranked that soulja boy … [Read more...] about Junior Whom I Met at the Tailgate, Shall I Compare Thee to a Mid-Semester’s White Claw?
By Mikayla Hernandez-Guevara An unnamed Lupton 3 resident has recently tested positive for the Black Plague, campus officials released in a shocking statement on Monday. The student in question is currently admitted in VUMC, undergoing rigorous bloodletting treatments and daily urine baths. No word has been released as to the effectiveness of the treatments, but anyone … [Read more...] about Branscomb Resident Tests Positive for Bubonic Plague
Some articles tell stories. Others give suggestions. This morning, I would like to try something a little different and ask you, the reader, a question that has been on my mind for quite some time. You’ve read the title (real clickbait-y, I know) but I’ll give you a quick reminder. If you killed a larger and larger animal everyday, at what point would it become fucked up? … [Read more...] about If You Killed a Larger and Larger Animal Every Day, at What Point Would It Become Fucked Up?
By Anonymous “So next, you’ll get a chance to read through the charges and you can decide if you agree or disagree with them.” The Assistant Director of the Office of Student Accountability sat across from me, slowly turning the computer screen so I could see. Two charges blazed before my eyes. One … [Read more...] about “For Fuck’s Sake, Just Lie” says Office of Student Accountability
By: Kyle Kowalski Homecoming weekend finally happened, the spontaneous two day shit-show that every Vanderbilt student looks forward to as the TIME to get laid. Winter jackets, chapped lips (or herpes), and that weird freshman who claims his legs don’t get cold—they’re all in full swing. Vanderbilt homecoming is a tradition which has run for decades, but my dad has been … [Read more...] about Homecoming Weekend: Nostalgia and Neglect