I know exactly what you’re thinking: "What the fuck did I do to earn another fucking article from this human wooden dildo (the least practical of all dildos).” And I know that most of my articles are really, really bad, but you guys are in luck because this is not one of those articles. I mean sure this article isn’t great, but it's certainly tolerable. And I think it's … [Read more...] about Most of my articles are awful, thank God this isn’t one of them
I may be a burglar but I’m no arrogant fool. I know what my capabilities are and if I can burglar my way into $5, $6 a day, I’m one happy boy. So that’s why I knew I hit the jackpot last night. I strapped on my robbing shoes, robbing shirts (I wear four to cover up the identity of the other shirts), and my robbing gun (two trash cans that I bang really loudly together when I … [Read more...] about Holy Moly, I just robbed my way into 90 dollars
A wild pair of scissors I had a piece of paper. I needed to cut it in two. I know what you’re thinking, civilization simply hasn’t created technology sophisticated enough to handle this problem. Sure, we have virtual reality porn; however, as a society, we have to create our technologies with some priorities. But how in the hell am I supposed to slice a piece of tree bologna … [Read more...] about Scissors: We will never know how they work, but thank the lord they do
E. Bronson Ingram (Photo by Claire Barnett) Welp. They’ve gone and done it again. Just when I thought that I’d be able to finally use one of my three sides on a hearty helping of human flesh, Vanderbilt snatches that dream out of my hands much like I snatch babies from their mothers and eat them. All-you-can-eat is one thing, and I’ll certainly go to a restaurant just to … [Read more...] about EBI claims it’s all-you-care-to-eat. But what if all I care to eat is human flesh?
It’s President’s Day, everyone: the best time of year to appreciate our nation’s history. What better way to do so than to dress like one of the hottest and most fashionable presidents, James K. Polk? Here are some sexy tips to spice up your look and flaunt your stuff just like JKP.1) Sports JacketJames K. was known to be a snazzy dresser, and no outfit aspiring to steal … [Read more...] about Steal His Look: President James K. Polk