By: Julia Schmitt Taylor Swift released her long-awaited Red (Taylor’s Version) album two months ago, capitalizing on unresolved preadolescent trauma most listeners did not have in the first place. As gaggles of post quarantine and WAP twenty-somethings reconnect with the absolute worst versions of themselves, Vanderbilt senior Jeremy has landed in some hot water! A … [Read more...] about BREAKING: Kid Named Jeremy Appropriates Taylor Swift Song Intended to Eviscerate Asshats Like Him!
By: Julia Schmitt Your grandmother, my grandmother and America’s Matt Gaetz agree: you were a hot piece of ass in seventh grade! Thigh gap? Braless? Grossly asleep in a world waterboarded in serpentine patriarchal injustice? Bummer, seems like you really let yourself go by letting your body develop with age. Goofy fad diets — keto, intermittent fasting, the … [Read more...] about Tankini Time! Study Suggests Acting Like an Immature 13-Year-Old Will Give You That Sexy Preadolescent Body Again
Throughout our complicated, messy, but valid little lives, we have all had understandable reasons for seeking medical attention. For those of you who were totally popular in high school, it’s getting your stomachs pumped after a legendary night of drinking. For the remaining serfs, its something dumb like kidney stones or scabies. Yet, in the early hours of Saturday … [Read more...] about VUceptor Hospitalized Upon Being Reduced to a vuGuest
By Julia Schmitt As my honor code signature eerily lingers on campus—along with the Listerine cap freshman me shamelessly took shots from—I feel compelled to honesty. I want to fucking drop kick my cat. He shall remain nameless because I am an ~intentional woman who lights up every room I walk into~, but I’m pretty sure he invented ask.fm, the Electoral College and Derby … [Read more...] about Five Tactics to Put Your Bastard House Cat in His Place
By Julia Schmitt Whether you believe 2021 is the end of the world or not (though it would be the most precedented outcome of these unprecedented times), the recent winds of advocacy, self-reflection and social action have been objectively refreshing and hopeful. The question remains: how did we get here? What magnanimous driving force could have possibly ignited such a … [Read more...] about Giving Back: Outdoor Voices Encourages a Generation of Upper Class Females to “Do Things”