In a ground-breaking study from the VU Department of Zeppos Father Figures Studies, researchers have discovered a nearly perfect 1:1 correlation between people who think Vandy Dining is personally victimizing them and people whose dads were stingy with their love. This research sent shockwaves through much of the Vanderbilt student body and resulted in many phone calls to … [Read more...] about Study Finds People Who Say “Vandy Dining Hates Us” Didn’t Have a Good Relationship with their Dad
Vanderbilt to Turn Football Field into Communal Bathroom so Shit Will Finally Get Done There
In a shocking announcement, Vanderbilt Athletics Director (AD) Buck S. Beatus authorized the transformation of Vanderbilt’s beloved “We’re-so-bad-sponsors-won’t-buy-naming-rights” Stadium into a mass toilet after Saturday night’s debacle. The news was met by a resounding “Vander-who?” from the larger college football-watching world, but sent reverberations through the … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt to Turn Football Field into Communal Bathroom so Shit Will Finally Get Done There
More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment
In a measure widely decried by Commons first-years as “not the move,” the Vanderbilt administration shifted to twice-weekly testing for the spring semester. This change in policy comes as Covid-19 ravages the country and, more importantly, Los Angeles, where half of Vanderbilt students are actually from. As always, Slant news is on the case while Hustler news picks its nose … [Read more...] about More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment
Breaking News: Vandy Discovers Vaccine, Won’t Release It Till Rest of SEC Says “Uncle”
Vanderbilt University’s research labs have discovered a vaccine for the novel coronavirus strand, potentially signaling the end of the pandemic in America. News media began singing Vanderbilt’s praise and bipartisan support rose, with Mitch McConnell close to passing a “Let’s Not be so Awful Because of Vanderbilt” bill through Congress. Nationwide celebrations commenced and … [Read more...] about Breaking News: Vandy Discovers Vaccine, Won’t Release It Till Rest of SEC Says “Uncle”