BREAKING: Diverse Friend Group Runs from Campus Photographer; Five in Critical Condition at VU Medical

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From Freshman Kickoff to the historic Founder’s Walk, Vanderbilt is doing everything it can to create the picturesque campus environment the Office of Admissions can funnel into the mouths of groveling high school seniors nationwide. However, Vanderbilt’s gambit to perpetuate its reign by feasting on the young may be slipping. This week, Vanderbilt administration released a public apology for the severe campus promotional photographic-related injuries of five students from a diverse friend group. These students are bravely fighting in the Vanderbilt Medical Campus Emergency Care Unit. The casualties occurred during a high-speed pursuit as students tripped over bushes and chairs while attempting to evade the ever-watchful lens of campus photographers.

“Vanderbilt requires a high level of precision in our promotional materials,” commented Vanderbilt representative Estelle Shaya. “The photographic standards sought by the Office of Admissions can only be reached by ex-Navy Seals. These are trained individuals who are able to get the best shot possible.” 

Vanderbilt’s all veteran photography team has raised several moral and ethical questions in the last two years of their employment. Vanderbilt Administration capitalized on the cheapness and availability of expert-level operators following the US withdrawal from Afghanistan. However, despite the superb content produced by Vanderbilt’s Fourth Infantry, what effect is their panopticonic presence having on students? 

“Vanderbilt is turning into a surveillance state,” argued student leader and local celebrity Sam Boison. “Just yesterday I was drifting to sleep on the fourth floor of Lupton. I glanced out the window when I heard a noise. I thought it would just be a tree scraping the wall. No, I was face to face with a campus photographer rappelling down from the roof. He told me to just act natural.”

The start of the 2022-23 school year marked a rapid proliferation of Vanderbilt forces with the recent occupation of the semi-autonomous region of Commons. Photographic troops have already been spotted as far as Peabody Lawn, with small regiments of DCRs (Digital Camera Reconnaissance) currently scouting the Upper Quad. This infantry campaign seems to have drawn attention away from Admissions’s covert operations in the libraries. Based on the intelligence of an unnamed whistleblower, it appears that Admissions has deployed several undercover photographers to discrete library locations around campus. The extent and reach of this clandestine sect of the Fourth Infantry is still unknown; we can only guess at the content they’re currently amasssing. 

This recent photographic tragedy rings loud in the wake of the Sophomore Recharge Incident of the Class of ‘25, occurring just a few short weeks ago. Vanderbilt photographers were stationed in trees surrounding Alumni Lawn, their presence obscured by the foliage. However, students were soon alerted to their presence by the cacophony of slamming shutters. Thankfully, with the help of a rogue division of ROTC students, the Sophomore class narrowly preserved their anonymity. These heros bravely threw their bodies in the line of picture, giving the rest of the Class of ‘25 time to escape. In the chaos, several students were injured. With casualties mounting by the day, the fairy tale that Vanderbilt is projecting to high school seniors is beginning to waver. 

In light of these recent events, several watchdog (student) orgs have begun to stand up to the iron fist that is Vanderbilt Admissions. The pre-law fraternity, Phi Alpha Delta, is leading this charge. They have already filed a class action lawsuit against Vanderbilt University, claiming violation of the Freshman Class’s Third Amendment rights. The suit represents the outraged students who were forced to evacuate their dorms to house the influx of photographic troops on Commons. Some say this is a legal stretch of the Bill of Rights, while others assert this as a clear violation of the rights of Commodores. The courts will decide. However, in another recent development, it seems that some members of the Phi Alpha Delta legal team have gone missing. Despite this, the prosecution is determined to proceed. 

Refusing to comment on the case, Shaya stated “I give my deepest condolences to the families who lost their students, but I don’t understand why the student body cares so much. They signed the clearly stated photo release form on page 537, section LXXXV, of their student contracts.” Shaya concluded the interview with “regardless of the consequence, the quality of the pictures is undeniable—they look like they love it here!”