By: Slant Staff
For those of you who are yet to cop a followback from the one you cohabitate with, take notes.
- Make them a cheeky salmon dish in the microwave
As the old women in Pixar movies always say before they die and the plot actually begins, “don’t forget to eat your supper!” (I’m paraphrasing but you’re all familiar with the overall concept of that trope). Anywho, back to the salmon dish. When should you make it? On a day where they have stacked classes and meetings and asked you not to do anything weird. This is to ensure the element of surprise so that when they arrive that nummy salmon smell will greet them before you do (even if they have their noise-canceling airpods in every time they enter the room). The best part? It’s a gift that keeps on giving! That smell will hang around for weeks on end so they can always remember your act of kindness. So sure they might pretend to not know you in your three shared classes for now but just you wait, kiddo.
- Train their subconscious by playing your soundcloud mixes at night while they sleep
Look, you’ve seen it on TikTok, I’ve seen it on TikTok—manifesting is in, baby! And how do you manifest them to not noticeably roll their eyes when you walk in the room? Easy, reprogram their limiting beliefs. The second they turn off the lights is when you strike. Connect to that bluetooth speaker and start playing the musings of your soul (even if it is covers of Lil Peep’s greatest hits). They might say things like, “Can you turn it off?” or, “I’m not even kidding this is the last straw I’m getting the RA if you don’t turn this off!” but that’s just a part of breaking through their tough exterior! Keep going! They will turn their frown upside down after a while and eventually associate your voice with someone they like instead of someone who they can’t get to move out.
- Classically or operantly condition them
If TikTok manifesting isn’t your thing but Pavlov is, this is your best bet. Every fourth time you enter the room while they’re in there, hand them a crisp 20 dollar bill and tell them to treat themselves. Now, if you took Gen sych and actually paid attention (hah, nerd) you might be thinking that this is not conditioning and is actually just buying your way into someone’s life. This is correct! This is Vanderbilt, babes—no one is above it. If you want them to stop referring to you as “the stalker” or “my roommate with no social skills” to their parents on the phone while you’re in the room, just pay your way into getting them to feel neutral towards you. Foolproof.
- Leave them your estate in your will
Maybe, maybe, short-term friendship isn’t what you’re looking for. Maybe you need this to be a slow-burn validation that you will never get to witness from this realm. In that case, let them laugh with their friends in the room about your LARP gear. Let them have a private story chronicling your quirks even though they won’t add you back on Snapchat. Hell, let them throw deli meat at you while you try to film an Ed Sheeran cover for TikTok as a means to get you to stop. None of that will matter when they get a call 65 years from now telling them you left everything to them and their children. Tell them how they were your greatest joy in that one shared year, despite them intentionally locking you out for 15 hours of the day most weekdays. Now they won’t be able to forget you for their own remaining years and if that isn’t the true definition of winning someone over I don’t know what is.