1) Stop referring to yourself as “The Lone Wolf” and in the third person. Maybe then you’ll get some pussy.
2) Shower. Just once. That’s all we’re asking for. Yes, with soap. Yes, wash your hair and use conditioner. No, don’t pee in there, other people use it you monster.
3) Bumble. #2 is a prerequisite for this. I’m not saying it will go well—truth be told, it probably won’t. Anyone even remotely attractive or desirable by any stretch of the imagination already has plans for Valentine’s Day. And then there’s you, sitting here, reading some satirical college newspaper’s bulleted list of other stuff you could be doing to feel a little less lonely, and all ten tips are just jokes at your expense, you lonely, sad little person. Go ahead, no one will laugh at you for being pathetic on a dating app, especially if it’s DataMatch (my editors told me I had to include a plug to that totally hilarious thing we did, but don’t worry, it’s over now and you missed it. Literally the best event that happened in your entire life and you missed out. Dumbass.)
4) Masturbate. We all knew this one was gonna be on the list. We’re the Slant! We’re not saying how you should choke the goose, but if you’re gonna wrestle the dragon this Monday, don’t be sad. Be happy! No one gets you there like you do. So when it comes time to give one-eyed Willy his one gun salute, take solace in the fact that this is the one thing you do better than anyone else, because what else do you have going for you?
5) Work out. We all know you aren’t going to, but, like, you could.
6) Burn everything that reminds you of your ex. Burning pictures and the clothes they left at your place is too tame. Live a little larger, darling. Don’t worry, the police will understand why that shopping mall had to go. Remember kids, you can’t spell “arson” without “my ex is a bitch and everything still hurts.”
7) Correct me if I’m wrong, but maybe we’re not defined by only our romantic relationships? “Gal-entine’s day” is just as much fun as the overly romanticized Hallmark holiday on February 14th, and you can still engage in excessive consumerism by buying stuff for your friends! Instead of heart-shaped chocolates and child labor teddy bears, buy your best friend a self-portait pocket pussy to show them there’s absolutely no homoerotic tension between the two of you at all, not even a little bit no way.
What’s that? All your friends have dates with their long term significant others that make you feel washed up, alone and forgotten? Oh. Uh…awkward.
8) Tag along on your best friend’s date! So what if he and his girlfriend have been together for three years? You’ve been there for it all! Don’t they remember when all three of you dressed up as the three musketeers for Halloween since you were alone on that major holiday too? You’re super close and it definitely would not be a gross overstepping of boundaries to join in on their fancy dinner.
9) Dress up like Cupid and shoot blunt arrows at people with your 7th grade archery equipment.
10) Nothing. Don’t do anything. Ya know what else February 14, 2022 is? It’s a Monday. It’s just a Monday. Go to class, go to work, sit there all day and pretend you aren’t in constant pain. Then when you go home and you scroll through social media and you see all these people posting about how in love they are, shed one tear before you microwave some shitty dinner for one. When people ask what your plans are, say “oh, Monday? I’m not sure. Maybe watch Netflix and get to bed early?” You sad, pathetic bitch.