After several months of complete degradation for a crumb of social acceptance, you’ve finally become an official member of your favorite frat. Nice going bro! That’s so ferda! Unfortunately, this probably means you’ve been an dick to everybody else in your life since at least January, but don’t worry! They can’t be mad at you because you let them know you were going to be busy—although you might not have told them exactly why. Telling your other friends you’ve been ignoring them to roleplay as a Quarter Pounder with Cheese for some 5’7” juniors is so not cool, and you don’t want people to think you’re uncool (or face the consequences of your own actions—bad vibes). Yes, these past few months have truly been the auteur era of pledges making excuses. It would be completely unacceptable for us here at The Slant to ignore all the masterfully crafted explanations we heard from pledges this year, so here’s our list of the top seven ways people told us they were pledging without actually saying they were pledging.
- “I’m stepping back to spend more time with my alcoholism.”
This one was great because you didn’t even have to lie! Even if your blood alcohol results weren’t clear, your conscience certainly was.
- “I’m casting for an all-male version of The Bachelor.”
Vying for one man’s good graces? Completing absolutely ridiculous tasks for no real purpose besides entertainment? Sounds familiar to us.
- “I’m starting reverse group therapy.”
When you join a group of people convening at a regular time and end up with more issues than when you started.
- Whatever the hell this was:
- “I’m doing the most gay thing I could possibly do without actually being gay.”
Congratulations buddy, you officially came out as homie-sexual, and your loved ones were none the wiser.
- “I have jury duty.”
Nobody needs to know that the case you were evaluating was the case of the juul your pledgemaster lost at a party 14 months ago. Jury, party of one.
- “I’m refusing to let other people dictate the trajectory of my life.”
The joy in this one is in its ambiguity. Did you listen to a self-help podcast, finally address your parents’ unrealistic expectations of you or just capitalize on the opportunity to do cocaine in the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant? With this one your excuses officially have more range than your personality.