*Narrated by Yoda as The Godfather music plays in the background. Click the link for the full experience.*
In the words of one of the greatest philosophers to ever live: “The Sith are the most spoiled, most self-centered, most narcissistic generation the galaxy’s ever produced.” If you disagree, the question of if they aren’t narcissistic why do they insist on wearing matching outfits that leave only their faces visible, I will raise. Forcing the eye to their one individualising characteristic, they are. Wondered if Darth Vader has ever accidentally gotten his standard-issue cloak mixed up with Palpatine’s on laundry day, I have.
But digress, I must. To criticize the fashion choices of an empire that has, for too long, sought to put its fingers into any and every crevice—including the economy—in order to create a sense of control, I write not. Hyperbolize, do I? Never in a million years! Away from our desiccating hands, our freedoms have been ripped. Into the deepest marsh of Dagobah, the free market has been chucked. By a swamp monster, it has been consumed. In the process of being upchucked so as to be re-consumed by said monster, it is. Apologize for my enigmatic metaphors, I must. Bickles my nickel, free market capitalism does! Hmmmm!
Ah. Free-market capitalism. Flows through my veins, she does, and reason to wake up in the morning, she gives me. The promise of a trade unregulated by a third entity. The monogamy of a good consumer-producer relationship. Whoever said polygamy was better obviously never had to pay the exorbitant prices of Empire-era taxes…or is making an excuse as to why they cheated on their boyfriend. At you, Padme, I am looking. That those twins aren’t Anakin’s, I know.
But yet again digress, I must. Oh reader, so many adventures protecting the freedoms of the likes of us, I had. How I look fondly upon the time I confronted Palpatine about his implementation of new laws that regulated the import and export of galactic drugs, and ended up kicking his ass because his skin moved two seconds after the rest of him. If only botox was’t regulated…hmm? Logic, I am making. Or that time a Vanguard retirement account for each member of the Rebellion I set up so they didn’t have to pay income taxes. Caused the destabilization of the Galactic Empire’s economy, it did. Didn’t you know that’s what caused the Rebellion?
That young generations would know nothing of our history, I should’ve known. Wasting your time with the luxuries of a free market built on the backs of my generation which just so happen to have also benefited amazingly well from using slave labor as our main means of creating said free market. But irrelevant, that is. Waste your time nursing your God complexes and wondering why the worlds are out to get you, you youngins do. Well, something to say I have, so say it I shall: you wouldn’t know hard work if you slammed into it as you were exiting the warehouse where your underpaid workers manufacture next season’s Sith lord cloaks because you’ve conveniently monopolized the Dark Side’s fashion industry thanks to a FREE MARKET ECONOMY! WHY THIS IS A GOOD THING, DO YOU SEE?