Vanderbilt announced last week that Mark Bandas, who has served as the Vanderbilt Dean of Students for 14 years, will be stepping down in May. This news came just days after I alerted the staff of The Slant that I, too, will be stepping down from my position as Editor-in-chief in May after two years. However, I am now able to share the exciting news that I will be taking over for Bandas as Dean of Students for the 2021-2022 school year, and likely the next 1000 years after that.
Allow me, first, to list my extensive qualifications that have led me to accept this esteemed position. I am a junior, an HOD student and ex-film-turned-communications minor. As an HOD major, I am qualified to assess organizations like Vanderbilt based on the knowledge that I gained doing one case study on the failed NASA Challenger Expedition in my intro class. Not to mention a hell of a lot of critical reframes. As if that was not enough experience, as an ex-film minor I know how to have a completely pointless and circular discussion with greasy-long-haired-body-odored-men who think they have worthwhile opinions but in reality are just stupid. It is my impression, after having been at this school for almost three years and feeling as though I have grasped the vibe of the student body, that these types of discussions are primarily the focus of the Dean of Students job.
But not just any Golden Goose-clad girl with daddy issues could take on the role. My work as Editor-in-chief of Slant has gone the extra mile to prepare me to serve on a level neither Bandas nor my overachieving-Stanford-graduate-golden-child-older-brother could ever dream of. My skills are unparalleled. Do you know how many balls it takes to tell a group of straight white men that, “no, I’m not a bitch, you just aren’t funny”? No balls. One vagina. Mine. I am forced to fight off hordes of dick jokes and offhand comments about my love life in our staff GroupMe on the daily. You want to tell me that I don’t have the ability to hold my own against student groups like DoresDivest just because I’m a 5’5 dirty-blonde “comedian” who considers herself a feminist now but will most likely end up a housewife? Probably true but, oops, I just filed a sexism suit against you with my newfound power as Dean of Students. Check please.
My first priority as Dean, obviously, will be to abolish The Hustler. Recently, I spent a solid 48 minutes on their website in an attempt to feel better about myself. It worked, but I also was left with the very strong feeling that every single person on that staff is a narc and/or the child of a divorce. I could randomly select any person on their staff page and guarantee that they would turn me in for drinking water 59 minutes before my Covid testing appointment. And then they have the audacity to tell Slant that what we do is not “real news,” while simultaneously publishing articles about their pets and a Spotify playlist that was so painful I almost deleted the app and shoved a Q-tip so deep down my ear canal that it could never come out. Good for them for not caring what other people think, but maybe consider the “Make Secret” button on Spotify before creating any playlist that includes “Life is a Highway,” which, as our generation painfully remembers, was heavily featured in the 2006 film Cars. Not to mention, they had the audacity to use the phrase “ring by spring” in a recent article. As my loyal fans know, I have legally owned that phrase since 2018.
After finally removing that drain of resources and oxygen from our campus, I will also be instituting the following, effective immediately:
- Naming the new res college “South House” just so it’s confusing for freshmen
- Introducing a new vegan alternative meat at Grins Vegetarian Cafe but secretly it’s just the McRib
- Only requiring Immersion for Vocal Performance Majors because I find them annoying
- Organizing a coup to steal Wente back from Wake Forest in the dead of night but we all wear Wake Forest sweatshirts so we don’t draw attention to ourselves while carrying a Wente-shaped-bag across their campus
- Signing myself up for a class but the roster is just me and every member of the Vandy Boys
- Forcing all on campus frat members found hazing to undergo BYX pledgeship
- Keeping VOB out of Rand Booths
- Showing the Melodores failed AGT audition on a loop in all student centers
- Banning OJ Simpson from stepping foot on campus because I’m pretty sure he killed Princess Diana
- Expelling that pre-med in my calc class who tried to diagnose me with an STD just cause I had a cold sore
- Requiring ROTC kids to wear their uniforms every day just so I don’t accidentally ask one how their morning was and they tell me how they “got up at 4am and did push ups until they vomited but it’s ok because they will be an officer one day and their wife can be part of a pyramid scheme which is the real American dream”
- Banning GroupMe and forcing every member of the student body to be in one huge text group chat that we can’t name ’cause two fifths of you losers have Androids
As I am sure you can now see, I am very excited about my new role on this campus. While I will miss having a “normal” senior year, we are living in unprecedented times which sometimes requires sacrifice. I may not have been a VUceptor or a tour guide or an RA, but I have now surpassed all you aspiring Outstanding Seniors and truly become an embodiment of the “Anchor Down Step Up” motto that has been shoved down our throats for over seven months. See you in August!