By Ben Dauber
Before long, the mask mandate will end and people will eventually be able to use their noses again. Unfortunately for you, that means that people will be able to quickly rediscover your ungodly body odor. Luckily, I’ve prepared a quick list of some potential cologne/perfume scents to mask both your BO and your terrible personality:
- Suave Snake
- Do you find that your floormates no longer trust you? Do they now lock their doors when only weeks before their unnecessary earthly possessions were ripe for the taking? Well fear no longer. With just a spritz of Suave Snake, your closest friends and family will re-open their hearts, as well as their wallets.
- Moony Aggression
- Didn’t get the bid you want? Stuck with lambda chi? I can understand the seething rage and potential urge for elaborate revenge, but it’s time to let go. With just a squirt of Moony Aggression your agitation will dissipate. Unfortunately, you’ll still be in lambda chi, but what do you expect, we’re not gods.
- Floral Fraud
- According to the Harvard Business Review, we’re supposed to “stop telling women they have imposter syndrome” but it feels like it goes against the spirit of women’s history month to lie like that. Anyways, if you ever feel like you aren’t good enough (even if you actually aren’t) just use a pinch of Floral Fraud. I swear it’s totally different from Michael Jordan’s “Secret Stuff” from the 1996 classic Space Jam.
- Nutmeg Narcissist
- In 1632, Galileo published a book proving one very important fact: the world doesn’t revolve around you. However, a special footnote was recently discovered which, when paired with Copernicus’ theory, states that in fact, I alone am the center of attention. Wait…. Actually I’ll take a bottle of this to go.
- Eucalyptus Egocentric
- Just because you “got above a 45” on your chem final doesn’t make you better than everyone else. I’m just as human as you so start acting like it. Take the fucking cologne and get out.
- Musty Manipulation
- By partnering with Ethan Spiegel, Professional Grave Robber, we were able to synthesize Musty Manipulation to smell exactly like the rotting corpse of Joseph Stalin. If ole’ Joey can convince a country of bears and snow to serve him I’m sure you can use those same pheromones to finally brainwash that hot TA.
- Putrid Perfectionist
- The next time you start feeling like saying “fuck it, i’ll become a stripper” or the male equivalent of “time to join the military” take a second to pour some Putrid Perfectionist on the flame that is you burning out. It won’t fix the problem, but it will make it less noticeable, and if that’s not the goal then I don’t know what is.
- The Rich Lesser Anteater
- Apparently the Lesser Anteater makes the short list of the worst smells on the planet, so I would award no other scent than this one to those who can somehow turn the adjective of being rich into a personality trait.