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The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Archives for February 2021

Five Tactics to Put Your Bastard House Cat in His Place

February 20, 2021 by Julia Schmitt

By Julia Schmitt As my honor code signature eerily lingers on campus—along with the Listerine cap freshman me shamelessly took shots from—I feel compelled to honesty. I want to fucking drop kick my cat. He shall remain nameless because I am an ~intentional woman who lights up every room I walk into~, but I’m pretty sure he invented ask.fm, the Electoral College and Derby … [Read more...] about Five Tactics to Put Your Bastard House Cat in His Place

Why I’m Getting Married at Dave & Buster’s

February 16, 2021 by Kyle Kowalski: Content Editor

$5 margaritas, Big Bass Pro lottery wheels and enough fiat money to make our American dollar feel obsolete. In essence, Dave & Buster’s is a late-stage capitalist’s paradise. Maybe my strange obsession with game plazas started with my continual exposure to Chuck E. Cheese and its trademark E. coli. The vicious battle between inhaling $20 subpar pizza and my lactose … [Read more...] about Why I’m Getting Married at Dave & Buster’s

More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment

February 16, 2021 by James Blair

In a measure widely decried by Commons first-years as “not the move,” the Vanderbilt administration shifted to twice-weekly testing for the spring semester. This change in policy comes as Covid-19 ravages the country and, more importantly, Los Angeles, where half of Vanderbilt students are actually from. As always, Slant news is on the case while Hustler news picks its nose … [Read more...] about More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment

My Top Five Replacement Headliners for Lights on the Lawn

February 10, 2021 by Kyle Kowalski: Content Editor

So, recently, if you accepted another desperate request from the @lotlvanderbilt Instagram account, you noticed that Loud Luxury will be making a virtual performance for Lights on the Lawn. For my fellow upperclassmen and 5th years, you might remember last year’s performer: Quinn XCII, the human embodiment of a Kia Soul. But with no 2020 Rites of Spring and Bobby Shmurda’s … [Read more...] about My Top Five Replacement Headliners for Lights on the Lawn

Camp Kesem Served with Cease and Desist for “Helping too Many Kids”

February 7, 2021 by Shivani Sharma

In the past few months, student organizations such as Swipes for a Cause and Dores Divest have been chastised by Vanderbilt for the over-improvement of both campus and greater Nashville communities. On the heels of this crucial work, the Vanderbilt administration has brought down its iron fist on yet another student organization, serving Camp Kesem with a cease and desist … [Read more...] about Camp Kesem Served with Cease and Desist for “Helping too Many Kids”

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A time honored Vanderbilt tradition By Estelle Sh A time honored Vanderbilt tradition

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Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the commen Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the comments
@quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three @quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three (3) VIP Coachella tickets
Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Toro and Timothee Chalamet wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Jello

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Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander
You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fi You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fix your mental health.

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Very Important! Please read By Damian Ho Very Important! Please read

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Wow! This is so inspiring! Wow! This is so inspiring!
It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much mo It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much more profitable than universities

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EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCE EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCERNED.
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