By Turd Ferguson
Just weeks after performing the world’s first dual heart-lung transplant on a patient with COVID-19, the Vanderbilt University Medical Center continues to break new ground in the surgical field. In a press conference, VUMC announced that it had successfully performed the world’s first really, really fat ass transplant. Although fat ass transplants have been performed at both the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and the University of Texas at Austin Medical Center, the transplant completed at VUMC is the first to be certified by the American Surgical Association as “really, really fat.”
The lead surgeon, Dr. Henry Jacobsen, was praised at the press conference for his bravery and innovation in spearheading the cutting-edge procedure. Dr. Jacobsen, an employee of VUMC for over 25 years and a pioneer in gluteal augmentation, was thrilled that the surgery turned out so successfully.
“When the patient first approached me, I was skeptical, to say the least,” said Jacobsen. “I told her, ‘I mean, maybe we could fix you up with a nice fat thang, but if we go as big as you’re thinking, there’s substantial risk involved. There’s a possibility of infection or bone fracture—even worse, terminal ass cancer. But, if we can pull this off, you will have the most voluptuous caboose this side of the Mississippi.’”
“I couldn’t have been happier with the results,” Jacobsen continued. “At first, I was concerned with the moral aspect of the operation. Was it even ethical to have an ass that fat? I mean, we are talking about a dumptruck ass here. Have you seen her walking around with that thing? I mean, shit, she had me about to act up in the operating room.”
Dr. Geraldo Uribe, the chief surgeon on VUMC’s dual heart-lung transplant and a colleague of Dr. Jacobsen for 11 years, was astonished by the audacity of the operation, but amazed with Dr. Jacobsen’s precision and skill. “I can’t commend my good friend Dr. Jacobsen enough. To do what he did, with the whole medical world watching, takes a lot of courage. I don’t think people truly understand the significance of this groundbreaking operation; this may very well revolutionize the world. I’m incredibly happy for him, but at the same time, it makes me look at my own work and think, ‘Does this even matter?’ All I did was give some chump a few more years on this God-forsaken hellscape we call planet Earth; Henry transformed someone’s life with a few pounds of silicone and some stitches. It’s amazing what a person with a whole lot of cake can do.”
All eyes in medical circles are now on the VUMC, which has made incredible strides in the surgical field in the span of just a few weeks. After his trailblazing work, Dr. Jacobsen doesn’t have plans to hang up his scrubs any time soon—he’s already begun research on his next revolutionary project: giving men the ability to lactate drinkable lemonade.