• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • News
  • Features
  • Life
  • Opinion
  • Rickroll
  • Slant TV
  • Staff
  • About Us
  • Be a Contributor

The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Vanderbilt University Medical Center Performs World’s First Really, Really Fat Ass Transplant

January 30, 2021 by Slant Staff

By Turd Ferguson

Just weeks after performing the world’s first dual heart-lung transplant on a patient with COVID-19, the Vanderbilt University Medical Center continues to break new ground in the surgical field. In a press conference, VUMC announced that it had successfully performed the world’s first really, really fat ass transplant. Although fat ass transplants have been performed at both the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and the University of Texas at Austin Medical Center, the transplant completed at VUMC is the first to be certified by the American Surgical Association as “really, really fat.”

The lead surgeon, Dr. Henry Jacobsen, was praised at the press conference for his bravery and innovation in spearheading the cutting-edge procedure. Dr. Jacobsen, an employee of VUMC for over 25 years and a pioneer in gluteal augmentation, was thrilled that the surgery turned out so successfully.

“When the patient first approached me, I was skeptical, to say the least,” said Jacobsen. “I told her, ‘I mean, maybe we could fix you up with a nice fat thang, but if we go as big as you’re thinking, there’s substantial risk involved. There’s a possibility of infection or bone fracture—even worse, terminal ass cancer. But, if we can pull this off, you will have the most voluptuous caboose this side of the Mississippi.’”

“I couldn’t have been happier with the results,” Jacobsen continued. “At first, I was concerned with the moral aspect of the operation. Was it even ethical to have an ass that fat? I mean, we are talking about a dumptruck ass here. Have you seen her walking around with that thing? I mean, shit, she had me about to act up in the operating room.”

Dr. Geraldo Uribe, the chief surgeon on VUMC’s dual heart-lung transplant and a colleague of Dr. Jacobsen for 11 years, was astonished by the audacity of the operation, but amazed with Dr. Jacobsen’s precision and skill. “I can’t commend my good friend Dr. Jacobsen enough. To do what he did, with the whole medical world watching, takes a lot of courage. I don’t think people truly understand the significance of this groundbreaking operation; this may very well revolutionize the world. I’m incredibly happy for him, but at the same time, it makes me look at my own work and think, ‘Does this even matter?’ All I did was give some chump a few more years on this God-forsaken hellscape we call planet Earth; Henry transformed someone’s life with a few pounds of silicone and some stitches. It’s amazing what a person with a whole lot of cake can do.”

All eyes in medical circles are now on the VUMC, which has made incredible strides in the surgical field in the span of just a few weeks. After his trailblazing work, Dr. Jacobsen doesn’t have plans to hang up his scrubs any time soon—he’s already begun research on his next revolutionary project: giving men the ability to lactate drinkable lemonade.

Filed Under: Campus, News

Primary Sidebar

Recent Posts

  • I Thought Only My Cat Would Forget About Me While I Was Away at College, but It Turns Out My Parents Did Too
  • Sad but Hot is the New Hot: How to Look Perfectly Beautiful While Deteriorating Emotionally
  • The Anti-Social Socialite’s Guide to Forming Friendships with Coworkers
  • Diermeier Dormitories to Replace Branscomb Quad in Fall 2022
  • Separating the Art from the Artist: Why It’s Ok to Keep Hooking Up with That Guy Who Is an Asshole to You

vanderbiltslant

A time honored Vanderbilt tradition By Estelle Sh A time honored Vanderbilt tradition

By Estelle Shaya
Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the commen Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the comments
@quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three @quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three (3) VIP Coachella tickets
Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Toro and Timothee Chalamet wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Jello

By Sam Sliman
Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander
You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fi You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fix your mental health.

By Jack Hollier
Very Important! Please read By Damian Ho Very Important! Please read

By Damian Ho
Wow! This is so inspiring! Wow! This is so inspiring!
It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much mo It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much more profitable than universities

By Sam Sliman
EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCE EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCERNED.
Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be enti Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be entitled to one free meal swipe

By Sam Sliman
Follow on Instagram

Archives

  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • July 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
January 2021
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031
« Nov   Feb »

Follow Us

Facebook Twitter YouTube

Footer

  • Archive
  • Privacy
  • Be a Contributor
  • About Us
  • Contact Us

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Copyright © 2022 · Magazine Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in