The Slant’s Guide To Zoom Recruitment

By Miles Borowsky and Julia Schmitt

Starting virtual recruitment this weekend? Here are The Slant’s top tips to score the house of your dreams!

• Talk about the latest superspreader event and why it was the best party you’ve been to in weeks!
• Make sure your Cartier Love Bracelet clatters against your keyboard with each and every keystroke.
• Visit this website.
• Have your cute skinny roommate sit in front of your camera and text her a script as you hide under your desk quaking in fear.
• Pay off your RA to knock on your door every twenty-two minutes so you can get up and make sure that everyone knows exactly what shoes you’re wearing.
  • Color in the star on your golden gooses with neon paint to make sure it really pops on the webcam!
• Awkward silence? Start reciting Gregory Peck’s famous monologue from “To Kill A Mockingbird.”
• Fill your water bottle with vodka and take a shot every time you hear “future bridesmaids.” 
• Talk about how you, “just really think that I can better help cure racism from within! You know?”
• Make sure that your closet curtain isn’t closed! Those Lulu tennis skirts absolutely must be visible if you’re hoping to rush top tier.
• Throw on your Canada Goose and tell them your heat is broken! (but not in a poor person way, of course).
• Twinkly lights and tapestries are so Branscomb: opt for your dead grandma’s pearls and Burberry scarves instead.
• Don’t use a ring light, let the sheer glow of your superiority shine through 🙂
• Make sure you are clear about how your charcuterie boards are just as photogenic as you are!!!
• “Accidentally” screen share the multi-million+ dollar Zestimate of your family’s Vail house.

Good luck! And if all else fails, just rush Slant instead.