By Julia Schmitt
Whether you believe 2021 is the end of the world or not (though it would be the most precedented outcome of these unprecedented times), the recent winds of advocacy, self-reflection and social action have been objectively refreshing and hopeful. The question remains: how did we get here? What magnanimous driving force could have possibly ignited such a flame?
I have three words for you: The Exercise Dress. The Rex Orange County of LuluLemon—also known as Outdoor Voices—has graced us with one hundred dollars worth of indisputable nylon majesty. The company’s notorious slogan of “Doing Things” has manifested itself unlike ever before in this reasonably priced, potato sack-swimsuit hybrid. Once strapped into the transformative garment, women can’t seem to help but do all kinds of things! The glowing reviews speak for themselves:
“This pseudo-leotard inspired me to bite the bullet and post a uninformed and condescending yet trendy infographic on my Instagram story! Five stars.” exclaims Elaine R.
While wearing her Exercise Dress in the shade “wasabi,” Tracy C. finally built up the courage to wear a mask while shopping at Whole Foods. No, it didn’t cover her nose, but who the hell cares? Go Tracy!!!
“This dress has illuminated the secret thrills of raging side cleavage!!!” reviewed Brenda P, whose submitted picture modeling the dress was instantly flagged for pornography. “With a third of each boob out to the world, I have never identified more as a feminist.”
Candice Z. recommends “sacrificing a campus squirrel to the cheetah print one” for the “least non-coincidental manifestations ever.” Wow, looks like we all need to work on matching Candice’s energy!
Others have unironically compared the Exercise Dress’s sheer majesty to Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility, Thor’s hammer and Samson’s hair. It begs the question: who is going to be the first to tell poor people? When you unfortunately do, don’t forget to record the entire encounter and share it with the #DidSomething! What are you waiting for? If you are a human who literally wants to do anything, it’s time to hate yourself, suit up and join this impressively slappable movement.