The nation’s most salient young voices have taken to the opinion pages of our most precious institutions—online-only college newspapers—to urge us that voting will not make the difference. They are right. The only thing that can save us from the specter of oppression is pumping out as many provocative hot takes as possible from the comfort of our dorm rooms.
Protesting isn’t even necessary any more, since the people we’re trying to convince are v*ted into office. I refuse to advocate for putting people who represent my views and the diverse demographic makeup of this nation into office. I refuse to listen to such establishment voices like BLM and their “#WhatMatters2020” Voting Guide. Don’t combine voting with activism and community building—instead, just don’t vote. Don’t do it. That’s exactly what The Man wants you to do. Instead, write about how Communism Works But Has Never Been Tried®.
When we abolish voting and replace it with a ranked-choice system in which the nation’s highest Chuck E. Cheese ticket holders make our laws, we will know true freedom. Neither party wants you to know that they, deep down, control the means of production—silly balls and Laffy Taffy that you spent $20 to acquire. And that Laffy Taffy’s name? Vladimir Lenin, the only good political leader of the 1900s, unless, again, you count Charles Entertainment Cheese, which I do.
What could be more freeing than not having the burden of choosing something in our society? If we get rid of voting, you won’t have to spend ten minutes filling out a mail-in ballot to do something so trivial as protecting people’s rights—you’ll have that time to dream and write theory about the socialist commune you live on, worlds away from the reality in which abortion is illegal, discrimination is protected and you can’t marry someone unless you convert to Christianity (but not the bad kind).
Especially do not celebrate Joe Biden, a believer in climate change and the first president-elect to mention transgender people in his acceptance speech. No, getting rid of a proto-fascist, even if it means replacing him with a candidate that won’t solve all our problems, doesn’t matter. Indeed, like a root canal or my parents’ marriage, America has to get worse before it gets better. And that means we have to constantly be mad at things outside of our control. Remember, happiness, or even relief for a little bit until it’s time to lobby a Biden administration, is incredibly C@pitalist.
When we finally abolish voting and replace it with a hunger games where the winner gets to be prxsident for a year, we can truly claim, once and for all, that “We did it! We saved the city!”