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The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Op Ed: Let’s Collectively Agree to Reset our Virginities Every Month

November 24, 2020 by Slant Staff

By Stella Virgin

Let’s get something straight. I think it’s pretty fucking unfair that society has decided to only give us one virginity. I mean, really, one? The vast majority of the 18+ population could definitely use a set-in-stone virginity reset day to replenish our mental and emotional well-being. After all, who doesn’t want to free themselves from those ever-so-common Catcher in the Rye moments where you just long to be a young, impressionable, Christian child who isn’t inevitably going to hell? And if you’re still a virgin in college, that’s your own problem. 

Now that it’s been six months of quarantine, it seems like a lifetime since I felt the sweet soft touch of another human being—or maybe it really has been a lifetime. Regardless, it’s just plain wrong that I’m technically “not a virgin,” yet I can’t remember the last time I saw someone naked that wasn’t my roommate because he forgot to lock the door before he jacked off for the fourth time in one day. I also have yet to hear an eloquent virginity-loss story. Come on. Did anyone really want to lose it to that 5’5” KSig in the Luke’s bathroom? 

So let’s do something about it. I propose that we add one Virginity Reset Day to the calendar on the most important holiday of each month. Here’s the schedule:

January: New Year’s Day. So you can make your resolution to have less casual sex with random Tinder matches and proceed to break it two days later. 

February: Groundhog Day—the only holiday that celebrates holes.

March: Dr. Suess’s birthday. We celebrated it in elementary school, and it deserves to be brought back. Just with more significance this time.

April: 4/20. Obligatory. 

May: Memorial Day, in memory of all the pregnancy scares that somehow all turned out fine?

June: D Day. It stands for dick. Yeah ❤️

July: Bastille Day. For breaking down our sexual walls. 

August: First Day of Classes. We should all start the year fresh! Isn’t it so much hotter to tell your partner they’re your first?

September: September 22nd. Because there’s no way you remember the 21st night of September. 

October: Columbus Day. To honor exploration, conquest and discovery.

November: No virginity reset. It’s No-Nut-November, so you won’t need it anyways. 

December: Hannukah. Yup, all eight nights of it. You’re welcome. What else do you think the Jews did while the candles burned? Trust me, I’m Jewish. I would know.

If we all put these holidays in our Google Calendars, the government will have no choice but to declare them federal holidays. Here’s to being virgins again!

Filed Under: Op-Ed

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