You’re going about your day. You’re walking through campus, admiring the gorgeous fall leaves. Maybe you take a picture and upload it to your Instagram story. It’s fall y’all! And you’re happy.
Until you remember that twerpy-man-child-with-the-doctor-wife Ben Shapiro announced he’s moving to Nashville and bringing his whole Daily Wire crew with him. He’s probably here by now. And he’s ruined your fall vibes.
We’ve all been there. Luckily for you (and us!) The Slant isn’t going to let you suffer alone. We’re gonna give you our favorite ways to get your fall vibes back while also dismantling every bit of happiness that man could possibly have in this city. Win!
- Carry around a speaker Say Anything-style blasting “WAP” at all times.
Hopefully at some point in your day you’ll cross into his line of earshot so he’ll be forced to think about wet ass p-words and buckets and mops. And if not, you’re still playing “WAP” for the general public, which is a win in our books! For bonus fall points, you can do this one in a family friendly pumpkin patch!
- Give him the Zoom link to US Elections but make him think he’s a guest speaker.
One of you reading this has to have it. There are too many of y’all not to.
- Talk to him while he has food in his mouth.
This one takes a little preparation. Obviously, we don’t want you to sit through a meal with him. So the game plan is going to be finding him when he’s actively eating so that you can ask him a question and he has to talk slowly. He’s gonna be soooo mad. And maybe he’s eating apple pie? That sounds like fall to us!
- Take Tomi Lahren hostage and refuse to release her until he re-enacts the opening scene of The Social Network playing both the roles of Mark and Erica and posts it on all his socials.
I doubt he has all that dialogue memorized right off the bat, so he’ll have to take a good amount of time off to get his lines down. Sorkin did not make that easy for him! Also, I guess you could just wear a scarf while doing this to make it fall-ish. We don’t have all the answers.
- Create an elaborate fake persona and prowl dating apps and social media until you find his secret profile and begin a lengthy courtship with him, ultimately culminating in the two of you making plans to go to a haunted house (spooky!), then send your gay friend in your place.
He’ll hate this one.
- Buy a balloon and make him suck in the helium.
It can even be a festive balloon! Like one of the little foil ghosty guys. Just make sure there aren’t any dogs around when you do this one. God knows his voice is high enough as it is.
- Start a cocaine ring between the Frothy Monkey locations.
This one’s really gonna get under his skin. You already know he’s gonna go to Frothy and brag about how much he loves ~Nashville~, so imagine his surprise when he finds out the entire operation is a front-thanks to you!
- Care about basic human rights.
Maybe facts do care about your feelings? Not sure about that. Oh, and you can drink a PSL while you do this one.
- Make the bold decision to pay the little twerp man absolutely no mind as he shouts increasingly incendiary things from a short distance solely to get attention.
Checkmate.