By Hewlett Packin It’s 4PM on a Monday afternoon and you just woke up from your second depression nap of the day, coming fresh out of a nightmare of Daniel Diermeier watching you spit into a bottomless plastic tube. After adjusting back into the warm, comforting smell of piss in your Towers hallway, you open up your phone to the usual sight: a reminder from your mother that … [Read more...] about Woah! Even Your Professor is Getting More Action Than You
Archives for September 2020
By Miles Borowsky and Justine Del Monte In 2019, Vanderbilt shocked students and faculty with the announcement of a plan to abolish Carmichael Towers. This was met with immediate support by many who believed that the social climate had progressed past the need for such an institution. One of the biggest problems with Towers, as identified in a July 32 Hustler guest … [Read more...] about STAFF EDITORIAL: Don’t Abolish Towers. Let Us Reform It.
Welp, somebody fucked up and now all of my friends are in quarantine, which I guess means that for the time being I have to find a way to not be lonely. Thank god some bees just moved into my room. I’ll admit that at first I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of bees building a nest in my room. However, after three days of intense peace negotiations, a ceasefire was reached. They … [Read more...] about How to Make Friends With the Bees in Your Room Now That All of Your Friends Are in Quarantine
Vanderbilt University’s research labs have discovered a vaccine for the novel coronavirus strand, potentially signaling the end of the pandemic in America. News media began singing Vanderbilt’s praise and bipartisan support rose, with Mitch McConnell close to passing a “Let’s Not be so Awful Because of Vanderbilt” bill through Congress. Nationwide celebrations commenced and … [Read more...] about Breaking News: Vandy Discovers Vaccine, Won’t Release It Till Rest of SEC Says “Uncle”
By John Dough The way you wear those pant suits. Your fresh, fashionable haircut. The way you command congress floor like a well-spoken, sexy diablo from the 8th district of California—God, how I wish I was the 8th district of California so you could rule benevolently over me and pass legislation that pleases the electorate that is my body. Can I call you mommy? … [Read more...] about U.S. elections has me dreaming of Nancy Pelosi in Stilettos