By Tucker Ballantyne Welp, somebody fucked up and now all of my friends are in quarantine, which I guess means that for the time being I have to find a way to not be lonely. Thank god some bees just moved into my room. I’ll admit that at first I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of bees building a nest in my room. However, after three days of intense peace negotiations, a … [Read more...] about How to Make Friends With the Bees in Your Room Now That All of Your Friends Are in Quarantine
Archives for September 2020
Breaking News: Vandy Discovers Vaccine, Won’t Release It Till Rest of SEC Says “Uncle”
By James Blair Vanderbilt University’s research labs have discovered a vaccine for the novel coronavirus strand, potentially signaling the end of the pandemic in America. News media began singing Vanderbilt’s praise and bipartisan support rose, with Mitch McConnell close to passing a “Let’s Not be so Awful Because of Vanderbilt” bill through Congress. Nationwide celebrations … [Read more...] about Breaking News: Vandy Discovers Vaccine, Won’t Release It Till Rest of SEC Says “Uncle”
U.S. elections has me dreaming of Nancy Pelosi in Stilettos
By John Dough The way you wear those pant suits. Your fresh, fashionable haircut. The way you command congress floor like a well-spoken, sexy diablo from the 8th district of California—God, how I wish I was the 8th district of California so you could rule benevolently over me and pass legislation that pleases the electorate that is my body. Can I call you mommy? … [Read more...] about U.S. elections has me dreaming of Nancy Pelosi in Stilettos
Scientists Attribute Recent Breakthrough in Eradicating COVID-19 to Roundabouts and Up-Only Staircases
By Miles Borowsky Recent studies from the CDC demonstrate that universities, on average, have seen a 96 percent drop in COVID cases after placing stickers in front of doors featuring instructions such as “Exit Only,” “Stand Here,” or “Do Not Step Foot Inside This Building Without a Mask or You Will Get Sniped.” Vanderbilt has taken this a step further and … [Read more...] about Scientists Attribute Recent Breakthrough in Eradicating COVID-19 to Roundabouts and Up-Only Staircases