By Kyle Kowalski
The recent release of Vanderbilt’s student refunds left many students confused as to how Vanderbilt calculated the payment. With the majority of students no longer on campus, questions remain as to where the administration’s surplus funds went.
A recent Hustler “article” highlighted the discrepancy between the refunds Vanderbilt offered and the “pro ratatat” amount that the administration hinted at.
The Slant talked to an employee working at Vanderbilt’s “money-spending” department. Well actually, it was more of a kidnapping. According to CDC guidelines, however, all interrogations were held at a 6-feet distance. After various “creative” methods of questioning, the employee revealed the top 11 greatest expenditures for the university.
- More Statues
Remember those statues lying around campus that creep you out, especially the ones with the spikes strategically placed outside Stevenson? Well there’s more where that came from. After a mom during a campus tour mentioned how “unique” they were, an admissions officer placed an order for 2,000 statues. Administration has no idea where to put them, but perhaps they may be arranged on Alumni lawn like a scene from Midsommar. This includes a statue of Cornelius’ lesser known inbred brother, Tyson Vanderbilt.
- Diermeier’s Gucci belt
The chancellor of any school defines its image. Remember, college rankings are based on clout. Vanderbilt’s new “Drip for Daddy D” mission serves as an extension of Diermeier’s wardrobe renovation and, by extension, Vanderbilt’s image. Although, Vanderbilt’s recent lack of alumni donations means it will likely have to be fake.
- The Eye of Zeppos
You know that big tower on West End that only three people got into? Have you ever seen the Lord of the Rings? Apparently, the Eye of Zeppos is being built to support the Honor Council’s tyranny. It supposedly can see anything, even that time you looked at question 13 on your buddy’s paper during a Buckles exam. Was understanding where supply moves in a recession worth the Honor Council’s upcoming Spanish Inquisition?
- Mass Squirrel Extinction
The bloody war between campus police and the squirrels will finally come to a climax. Maybe the university can stop basing its personality on how many squirrels it has. Vanderbilt has supplied campus police with new weaponry, such as .40 caliber pistols and gas grenades to fully eliminate the squirrels on campus. After squirrels were charged with recent thefts of “powdered sugar” from students’ dorms, the Administration has decided to engage in total warfare. Anchor the fuck down.
- More bricks
The campus has bricks, if it wasn’t obvious enough through the countless college brochures. You think bricks are cheap? Maybe those used by public schools. But Vanderbilt only uses the finest bricks. The best bricks. Imported straight from the clay mines of Poland, these buildings could withstand one and a half mobs of angsty theater majors. Unfortunately, the reason Vanderbilt has raised tuition is due to a clay miners strike. But whatever, anything for the aesthetic.
- The Branscomb Ball
The Commons ball was pretty interesting, if you could remember it. However, Vanderbilt wants to go bigger and better. A $20 million budget for the new Branscomb Ball means all the quirks of Vanderbilt’s worst residential hall will be featured at this dance. There’s going to be trash cans to store your coats, the top hits of the 1990’s played through an iPhone 4 speaker, and drinks served from Scomb water fountains. If stomach poisoning sounds like a good time, campus dining will provide a la carte meals like expired munchie pastries and slim jims (one per person).
- Another Stambaugh staircase
The staircase that goes to bumfuck nowhere? Now there’s two. And this one goes straight into the ceiling.
- A brand new stadium
Years of dedicated research have been put into understanding why Vanderbilt sucks so much at football. Numerous propositions—better recruiting, a competent coach, higher fan turn out—were shut down. But the winner was a brand new $50 million stadium, that will be mostly filled by the visiting team.
- Crayons for HOD majors
Dead horse? Never heard of it.