• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • News
  • Features
    • Bitchin’ Kitchen
    • Bout Balls
    • Horoscopes
    • Quiz Qorner
    • Slant Review
    • Slant Rhyme
    • Top 10
  • Life
  • Opinion
  • Rickroll
  • Slant TV
  • Staff
  • About Us
  • Be a Contributor

The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Oops, I spent all your Dance Marathon donations on Premium snapchats

January 29, 2020 by Kyle Kowalski

I’m guilty. I spammed your instagram feed with countless posts about Dance Marathon. I had special prizes for every milestone reached. Raise $100? I’ll rub barbecue sauce all over my bare chest in front of a tour group (let them know what Commons food tastes like). Raise $200? I’ll ask out the Commons Cashier, although I’ll probably do this regardless. And if we raise $400, I’ll sell my left testicle on the black market to double your donation!

I tried to make it quirky, fun and just a bit sexual. The process had to be engaging so you could spam my Venmo feed with eggplant emojis and small donations of one dollar, like a digital stripper, except with more tears and my tuition is paid for. Despite my constant spam in the GroupMes, and yes, even Brightspace discussions, know that it was all for a good cause. 

FTK! In this case, not For The Kids, but rather For The Kenyan-foot-model.

I mean, wouldn’t we all fail to properly manage such a beautiful amount of money? Bernie Madoff squandered $50 billion, my Aunt Sylvia embezzled $600 from the local nail salon and R. Kelly stole the innocence of countless 15 year-olds. So what’s so bad about the $500 that I lost? It could be worse. I could have spent it on funko bops, smelling salts or an overpriced Champion hoodie. 

Sure, maybe the kids really do need that money. Our donations were aimed at the Louis Vuitton Center for Unfashionably Dressed Blind Teens, which is truly a good cause. In hindsight, I do feel terrible knowing that there remain thousands of voluntarily starving teens without the pleasure of Golden Goose soles to comfort their souls. Sure, my greed caused the destruction of VSCOs around the world, but recognize the limitless joy of one aspiring foot model who can finally get the mob off their back, thanks to my generosity. If you’re feeling altruistic, feel free to make more donations on their snap: venmome$5andseewhathappens. It’s been over a week and I’ve received nothing—I’m sure their internet is just slow.

There’ll always be another shot at redemption. Next year, we have a new charity in mind. The Funded Schools for Orphaned Juuls program, which aims to reconnect abandoned Juuls with more loving, middle-school families, is a fantastic target to guide our next round of philanthropy. And, if we get to $600, I’ll eat ten packets of silica gel!

Filed Under: Life

Primary Sidebar

Recent Posts

  • Op-Ed: We Don’t Need More Thanksgiving Music. We Already Have the Perfect Thanksgiving Anthem
  • Op Ed: Let’s Collectively Agree to Reset our Virginities Every Month
  • Nine Festive Fall Ways to Make Ben Shapiro’s Life In Nashville a Living Hell
  • Canada Goose is Back: The Slant’s Guide to Handling the Swarm
  • What To Leave In Your Dorm Room For The Flip

vanderbiltslant

No one supports feminism more than the SEC. By B No one supports feminism more than the SEC. 

By Ben Donohoe
Happy Holidays! Xoxo, Wente ❤️ @vanderbiltu Happy Holidays! Xoxo, Wente ❤️

@vanderbiltu
Trust me, it’s like, a super practical major. B Trust me, it’s like, a super practical major.

By Joshua Allen
Happy Thanksgiving from the Slant, to all of you h Happy Thanksgiving from the Slant, to all of you hiding in a bedroom in a desperate attempt to avoid your family!

By Alex Mills
Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes? Rings a bell. Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes? Rings a bell. 

By Shivani Sharma
Sometimes Vandy doesn’t give us what we want, th Sometimes Vandy doesn’t give us what we want, they give us what we need. 

By Taylor Lomax
Graphic by Sam Sliman
Honestly? We aren't NOT into it ever since that Na Honestly? We aren't NOT into it ever since that Narnia movie came out... 

By Julia Schmitt
The Slant ❤️s a good info graphic! Thanks @van The Slant ❤️s a good info graphic! Thanks @vanderbiltstudentgov

Graphic by Sam Sliman
We know you missed us, but we are back and our con We know you missed us, but we are back and our content is as average as ever! 

By Madison Hitchcock
Inspired by recent events By Ben Donohoe Inspired by recent events 

By Ben Donohoe
It’s still too close to call. By Madison Hitch It’s still too close to call. 

By Madison Hitchcock
Follow on Instagram
This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: API requests are being delayed for this account. New posts will not be retrieved.

Log in as an administrator and view the Instagram Feed settings page for more details.

Archives

  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
January 2020
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
« Nov   Feb »

Follow Us

Facebook Twitter YouTube

Footer

  • Archive
  • Privacy
  • Be a Contributor
  • About Us
  • Contact Us

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Copyright © 2021 · Magazine Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in