By Kyle Kowalski
I’m guilty. I spammed your instagram feed with countless posts about Dance Marathon. I had special prizes for every milestone reached. Raise $100? I’ll rub barbecue sauce all over my bare chest in front of a tour group (let them know what Commons food tastes like). Raise $200? I’ll ask out the Commons Cashier, although I’ll probably do this regardless. And if we raise $400, I’ll sell my left testicle on the black market to double your donation!
I tried to make it quirky, fun and just a bit sexual. The process had to be engaging so you could spam my Venmo feed with eggplant emojis and small donations of one dollar, like a digital stripper, except with more tears and my tuition is paid for. Despite my constant spam in the GroupMes, and yes, even Brightspace discussions, know that it was all for a good cause.
FTK! In this case, not For The Kids, but rather For The Kenyan-foot-model.
I mean, wouldn’t we all fail to properly manage such a beautiful amount of money? Bernie Madoff squandered $50 billion, my Aunt Sylvia embezzled $600 from the local nail salon and R. Kelly stole the innocence of countless 15 year-olds. So what’s so bad about the $500 that I lost? It could be worse. I could have spent it on funko bops, smelling salts or an overpriced Champion hoodie.
Sure, maybe the kids really do need that money. Our donations were aimed at the Louis Vuitton Center for Unfashionably Dressed Blind Teens, which is truly a good cause. In hindsight, I do feel terrible knowing that there remain thousands of voluntarily starving teens without the pleasure of Golden Goose soles to comfort their souls. Sure, my greed caused the destruction of VSCOs around the world, but recognize the limitless joy of one aspiring foot model who can finally get the mob off their back, thanks to my generosity. If you’re feeling altruistic, feel free to make more donations on their snap: venmome$5andseewhathappens. It’s been over a week and I’ve received nothing—I’m sure their internet is just slow.
There’ll always be another shot at redemption. Next year, we have a new charity in mind. The Funded Schools for Orphaned Juuls program, which aims to reconnect abandoned Juuls with more loving, middle-school families, is a fantastic target to guide our next round of philanthropy. And, if we get to $600, I’ll eat ten packets of silica gel!