By Chris Loveland
The Students of SOC-2100 were all dumbfounded by what one student—Chad Baker—said during a heated class discussion today. Baker, typically known for “piggybacking” off of other student’s comments, constantly taking an “economical” approach to every topic, and really bringing absolutely nothing to the table, left class today in hot water.
One student who could be reached via Brightspace DM said this of the moments before the incident: “Class was off to a rip-roaring start. Conversation bounced around the small, 20-person classroom with no sign of slowing. The topic of the day was on the reading—a delicately crafted piece on the benefit of carbon taxing.
“Some students disagreed, but by far the consensus of the room was in full support of the tax. Students were even adding their belief on the best ways in which the tax could be implemented—it was beautiful. Then Chad spoke up.
“Chad had spent the entire 20-minute discussion cycling between his 6 fantasy football teams all named “I’m Better Than You, You Dumb Poor Bitch” and occasionally flipping to the Barstool Sports instagram page. Then with a theatrical flick of his Airpod Pro case, he leaned back in his chair, exposing his hard nipples, and said it. ‘To Play Devil’s Advocate…’”
Baker’s father, a well-known oil barren, would be greatly harmed by this hypothetical tax, decimating his yearly personal profits from mid-8 figures down to high-7 figures. Thus, Chad had to step in.
“To play devil’s advocate…” Baker began. The class held their breath in horrific, icy anticipation. There was an anger roiling in Chad’s words.
“…I think that objectively—in my opinion—all this environment nonsense is completely overblown. I mean global warming? Are you serious? There’s snow outside on the ground right now!” Baker brazenly continued.
“I know what you’re all thinking, and yes. My family does profit from the oil industry, but that doesn’t mean you have any right to steal money from us. Okay fine, we had to strong-arm a few families out of their homes to have continued access to oil, but we gave them AMPLE coupons to the local Cracker Barrel. So, to play devil’s advocate one more time I’m not going to let you steal the money that we stole—I mean earned fair and square with your little ‘environmentally friendly’ tax.”
The class immediately protested Baker, but instead of listening he put on his Airpod Pros and only spoke up to cite the fourth amendment (which he seemed to believe was the freedom of speech).
On his way out, Baker was not done. He called the entire class haters, before flagging down a student on a lime scooter, pushing them off, yelling “Squatter’s rights,” and riding off towards his Aertson.