• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • News
  • Features
    • Bitchin’ Kitchen
    • Bout Balls
    • Horoscopes
    • Quiz Qorner
    • Slant Review
    • Slant Rhyme
    • Top 10
  • Life
  • Opinion
  • Rickroll
  • Slant TV
  • Staff
  • About Us
  • Be a Contributor

The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Uh Oh, That White Guy Just Said, “To Play Devil’s Advocate…” What The Fuck Is He Going To Say Next?

November 20, 2019 by Chris Loveland

The Students of SOC-2100 were all dumbfounded by what one student—Chad Baker—said during a heated class discussion today. Baker, typically known for “piggybacking” off of other student’s comments, constantly taking an “economical” approach to every topic, and really bringing absolutely nothing to the table, left class today in hot water. 

One student who could be reached via Brightspace DM said this of the moments before the incident: “Class was off to a rip-roaring start. Conversation bounced around the small, 20-person classroom with no sign of slowing. The topic of the day was on the reading—a delicately crafted piece on the benefit of carbon taxing. 

“Some students disagreed, but by far the consensus of the room was in full support of the tax. Students were even adding their belief on the best ways in which the tax could be implemented—it was beautiful. Then Chad spoke up.

“Chad had spent the entire 20-minute discussion cycling between his 6 fantasy football teams all named “I’m Better Than You, You Dumb Poor Bitch” and occasionally flipping to the Barstool Sports instagram page. Then with a theatrical flick of his Airpod Pro case, he leaned back in his chair, exposing his hard nipples, and said it. ‘To Play Devil’s Advocate…’”

Baker’s father, a well-known oil barren, would be greatly harmed by this hypothetical tax, decimating his yearly personal profits from mid-8 figures down to high-7 figures. Thus, Chad had to step in.

“To play devil’s advocate…” Baker began. The class held their breath in horrific, icy anticipation. There was an anger roiling in Chad’s words. 

“…I think that objectively—in my opinion—all this environment nonsense is completely overblown. I mean global warming? Are you serious? There’s snow outside on the ground right now!” Baker brazenly continued. 

“I know what you’re all thinking, and yes. My family does profit from the oil industry, but that doesn’t mean you have any right to steal money from us. Okay fine, we had to strong-arm a few families out of their homes to have continued access to oil, but we gave them AMPLE coupons to the local Cracker Barrel. So, to play devil’s advocate one more time I’m not going to let you steal the money that we stole—I mean earned fair and square with your little ‘environmentally friendly’ tax.” 

The class immediately protested Baker, but instead of listening he put on his Airpod Pros and only spoke up to cite the fourth amendment (which he seemed to believe was the freedom of speech). 

On his way out, Baker was not done. He called the entire class haters, before flagging down a student on a lime scooter, pushing them off, yelling “Squatter’s rights,” and riding off towards his Aertson. 

Filed Under: Campus

Primary Sidebar

Recent Posts

  • Op-Ed: We Don’t Need More Thanksgiving Music. We Already Have the Perfect Thanksgiving Anthem
  • Op Ed: Let’s Collectively Agree to Reset our Virginities Every Month
  • Nine Festive Fall Ways to Make Ben Shapiro’s Life In Nashville a Living Hell
  • Canada Goose is Back: The Slant’s Guide to Handling the Swarm
  • What To Leave In Your Dorm Room For The Flip

vanderbiltslant

No one supports feminism more than the SEC. By B No one supports feminism more than the SEC. 

By Ben Donohoe
Happy Holidays! Xoxo, Wente ❤️ @vanderbiltu Happy Holidays! Xoxo, Wente ❤️

@vanderbiltu
Trust me, it’s like, a super practical major. B Trust me, it’s like, a super practical major.

By Joshua Allen
Happy Thanksgiving from the Slant, to all of you h Happy Thanksgiving from the Slant, to all of you hiding in a bedroom in a desperate attempt to avoid your family!

By Alex Mills
Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes? Rings a bell. Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes? Rings a bell. 

By Shivani Sharma
Sometimes Vandy doesn’t give us what we want, th Sometimes Vandy doesn’t give us what we want, they give us what we need. 

By Taylor Lomax
Graphic by Sam Sliman
Honestly? We aren't NOT into it ever since that Na Honestly? We aren't NOT into it ever since that Narnia movie came out... 

By Julia Schmitt
The Slant ❤️s a good info graphic! Thanks @van The Slant ❤️s a good info graphic! Thanks @vanderbiltstudentgov

Graphic by Sam Sliman
We know you missed us, but we are back and our con We know you missed us, but we are back and our content is as average as ever! 

By Madison Hitchcock
Inspired by recent events By Ben Donohoe Inspired by recent events 

By Ben Donohoe
It’s still too close to call. By Madison Hitch It’s still too close to call. 

By Madison Hitchcock
Follow on Instagram
This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: API requests are being delayed for this account. New posts will not be retrieved.

Log in as an administrator and view the Instagram Feed settings page for more details.

Archives

  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
November 2019
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930  
« Oct   Jan »

Follow Us

Facebook Twitter YouTube

Footer

  • Archive
  • Privacy
  • Be a Contributor
  • About Us
  • Contact Us

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Copyright © 2021 · Magazine Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in