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The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Archives for November 2019

Top 5 Ways to Infuriate Your Boomer Relatives at Thanksgiving Dinner

November 27, 2019 by Rachel Haselkorn: Content Editor

Thanksgiving season is a wonderful time of year. The weather is nice, everything is great and everyone is happy. And then, you hear it: “I still would like to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate.” Your neo-nazi grandpa, who just won’t seem to die, has returned to irritate everyone and be a public nuisance at yet another family gathering.  Unfortunately, much of what … [Read more...] about Top 5 Ways to Infuriate Your Boomer Relatives at Thanksgiving Dinner

Which Makes You A Bigger Asshole: Screaming “On Your Left” While Scootering Past Someone, Or Saying Nothing At All?

November 20, 2019 by Amy Rieth: Copy Editor

The low hum of a scooter engine gets louder and louder, a sound that almost outweighs the sound of your heart beating in your ears. A bead of sweat inches down your neck and your hands start to shake. You slowly turn your head, preparing yourself for a sight you’ve seen a thousand times. Mere inches from your face, you’re confronted with the lifeless, derision-filled eyes of a … [Read more...] about Which Makes You A Bigger Asshole: Screaming “On Your Left” While Scootering Past Someone, Or Saying Nothing At All?

New Residential Colleges to Not Have Full Kitchen, HVAC

November 20, 2019 by Slant Staff

By A Student Who Fears Not Getting Good Housing for Publishing This Along with the announcement regarding the new name for Residential College A, Vanderbilt University has announced that future residential colleges will be constructed without functioning HVAC systems. “We’re excited for this change,” said an administrator in the FutureVU office. “We believe that not … [Read more...] about New Residential Colleges to Not Have Full Kitchen, HVAC

Uh Oh, That White Guy Just Said, “To Play Devil’s Advocate…” What The Fuck Is He Going To Say Next?

November 20, 2019 by Chris Loveland

The Students of SOC-2100 were all dumbfounded by what one student—Chad Baker—said during a heated class discussion today. Baker, typically known for “piggybacking” off of other student’s comments, constantly taking an “economical” approach to every topic, and really bringing absolutely nothing to the table, left class today in hot water.  One student who could be … [Read more...] about Uh Oh, That White Guy Just Said, “To Play Devil’s Advocate…” What The Fuck Is He Going To Say Next?

Trump Administration Places Background Checks on Gum Purchases After 3 Choking Deaths Reported in the Last Twenty Years

November 20, 2019 by Zak Stengel

The news comes after an unprecedented visit from Baron Trump to the White House to actually see his parents for the first time since Childish Gambino came out with his “This is America” music video. Insiders say that he claimed feeling “unsafe” in school due to tweens using and loading up on gum without any caution. One student apparently offered him a mint flavored piece, … [Read more...] about Trump Administration Places Background Checks on Gum Purchases After 3 Choking Deaths Reported in the Last Twenty Years

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A time honored Vanderbilt tradition By Estelle Sh A time honored Vanderbilt tradition

By Estelle Shaya
Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the commen Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the comments
@quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three @quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three (3) VIP Coachella tickets
Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Toro and Timothee Chalamet wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Jello

By Sam Sliman
Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander
You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fi You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fix your mental health.

By Jack Hollier
Very Important! Please read By Damian Ho Very Important! Please read

By Damian Ho
Wow! This is so inspiring! Wow! This is so inspiring!
It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much mo It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much more profitable than universities

By Sam Sliman
EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCE EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCERNED.
Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be enti Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be entitled to one free meal swipe

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