Life Hacking Your Foreskin: 7 Hidden Features

The Swiss Army Knife. The iPhone. The foreskin. What do these things have in common?

Well, certainly not mode of production (one is handcrafted, another Asian-sweatshop-crafted, and one in God’s image). They also differ in terms of smell, aesthetic quality, and prevalence in the Jewish community.

I see you’re confused, so I’ll throw you a bone: they’re all useful tools with an abundance of functions. But the foreskin is typically only used for a few obvious functions, namely expressing one’s gentile pride and experiencing full penile sensitivity during sex.

Here are seven ways to use your foreskin and get more out of the stubborn little guy:

Coin purse

Depending on girth, you can fit three to five Sacagawea dollars.

To figure out what direction the wind is blowing

This skill is hard-earned, but there are some good instructional videos on Youtube.

Whoopie cushion

Admittedly, this is much harder to pull off in the #MeToo era.

Condom (or dental dam)

Tie a knot and get pumping!

Chinese finger trap

Ironically, the Chinese have very high rates of circumcision.

Beer cozy

Perfect for White Claws and those skinny Coors Lights.

Finger warmer

Capitalism gave us hand warmers, but Mother Nature had already given us smegma.