Chancellor Zeppos and the Vanderbilt Board of Trustees are proud to announce a brand new full tuition scholarship to be offered to the class of 2023 and beyond! The scholarship is said to be inspired by Cornelius “Fuck Labor Day” Vanderbilt and his robber baron history.
Students who receive the scholarship get housing and tuition covered in exchange for being Zeppos’ indentured servant for the duration of their time at Vanderbilt. The selected students must perform at least 15 hours of “mandatory community service” a week; if this minimum time is not met, students will immediately face expulsion as well as legal charges. Mandatory community service includes but is not limited to cleaning Zeppos’ home, scheduling his monthly prostate exam, and impersonating him when he is too afraid to face dissent about his exorbitant salary in meetings.
Vanderbilt happily reports that the “team” built each year will be as diverse as possible—people of every race, sexual orientation, gender, nationality—except for Germans, he doesn’t like those. Each of the ten students awarded the scholarship will be required to arrive on campus two weeks before classes begin. During this two week the “Indenturadores” will learn the ins and outs of Zeppos’ life and grow closer together as servants.
Zeppos has shown his excitement for the new opportunity:
“You know? I was thinking maybe we could go down a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory route for this whole scholarship biz. One of them could find a “golden ticket” and then they’ll be my own personal servant. I guess I’m just a regular ole Johnny Deppos.”
Personal servant responsibilities will include giving Zeppos his nightly bath, giving him little raspberries on his tummy wummy and reading him bedtime stories.
Students looking to apply for this scholarship should contact the Office of Admissions to have a criminal background check and a physical performed by Zeppos himself.