Folks, it’s time someone around here just said what’s on all of our minds. With our futures in the hands of the Vanderbilt Student Government electorate in the coming days, I write to you urgently in a time of life-and-death. I don’t care if you’re Reaching Higher with Nico and Taylor, Let’s Going with Frances and Veer or Making Vanderbilt A Clothing-Optional Campus with whatever McGill write-in ticket’s happening this year—we can all agree on one thing: No one who lives in Blakemore should be allowed to vote.
Think about it. Then think about it some more. Then stop thinking about it and go with your gut. As Zeppos put it back in October, Blakemore’s the fucking Puerto Rico of Vanderbilt. They’re so far off campus they don’t know what actually goes on for us Real ‘Dores slumming it in Gillette or Scomb. They’re essentially Belmont students. Do you want Belmont students to vote? They probably can’t even tell you the difference between Frances and Nico’s platforms.
Do you know a single person who actually lives in Blakemore? Better yet, do you actually care about them if they do? I sure as hell don’t.
Also, Blakemore’s so far removed from campus that we can’t trust what’s going on over there. How do I know that Blakemore isn’t just a massive money-laundering scheme with fake students to cover up for Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos’s endangered species smuggling cartel? I’m pretty sure I saw a Galapagos Marine Iguana crawling towards the “Blakemore Building” the other day. Or maybe it was just another one of those fucking squirrels. Also, I was high. No matter. The point is that you can’t trust Blakemore.
Perhaps I should clarify something here. I’m not just suggesting that “Blakemore residents” shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the upcoming VSG election—I don’t think they should ever get to vote in any election, ever. Why? Fuck you, that’s why.
Regardless, if you’re one of the schmucks who’s still reading this article, either you’re a big fan of Rush Limbaugh (if so, let me know since VandyRadio keeps saying no one cares about my opinion or would listen to my show, Bolts of Truth with Ben, weekdays at 2:30am Central) or you think that, in the long run, it matters if Vanderbilt students in Blakemore—or anyone, in fact—votes in the upcoming VSG election. And you’d be 100% correct. VSG is the sole protector of order on this campus. Without them we will fall into the chaos of tyranny. And then we will be no better than those savages who live in Blakemore.