Along with unpaid workers and pissed off civilians, the government shutdown brought closures to hundreds of America’s favorite pastimes: museums. One unfortunate museum-goer passed out in the Hall of North American Insects and awoke to find himself alone, only to be discovered 35 days later.
Security guards entered the museum early Monday morning following the shutdown to find Charlie Punk, a 32-year-old homeless man, passed out naked on the floor surrounded by mounds of Flaming Hot Cheetos. Punk revealed he survived solely on the snacks he was able to grab from the vending machine with his extremely underdeveloped hands.
The officer on duty described the scene to us: “I calmly tapped the subject several times to awaken him. When he came to, he screamed, “I’M BEN STILLER BITCH” in my face and ran away. We found him thirty minutes later hiding inside of the rear end of a stuffed elephant. This motherfucker was wild.”
After an intense health and psychological evaluation, Punk was deemed deeply troubled, but that it “was from before.” Museum officials are disturbed by the situation, but take absolutely no responsibility.
In total, Punk inflicted hundreds of thousands of dollars of damage to the museum. Among the damaged artifacts were an unwrapped mummy, a Hitler mustache carved onto Teddy Roosevelt, and hundreds of mutilated butterflies. Despite the access to bathrooms, Punk opted to defecate on several pieces of artwork as well.
A priceless jewel from the ancient civilization exhibit is currently considered missing. Museum officials speculate Punk may have swallowed it after using a metal detector to reveal an object in his abdominal area. A stool sample is currently in the works to discover the jewel’s whereabouts.
When asked to comment Punk responded, “One of the best benders of my life. I’ll be back in a couple weeks when the government shuts down again.”