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The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Archives for February 2019

Harvard of the South? More like Yale of the Super Remote Chicago Suburbs

February 25, 2019 by Tess Batchelder

2019 US News rankings reveal that Duke has usurped Vanderbilt’s top ranking as “The Harvard of the South." Instead, Vanderbilt has been demoted to a slightly lower ranking: “The Yale of the Super Remote Chicago Suburbs." The magazine warns readers not to get this confused with Yale University, which was ranked “The Princeton of New Haven, CT.” Vanderbilt students have been … [Read more...] about Harvard of the South? More like Yale of the Super Remote Chicago Suburbs

Vanderbilt’s Top 9 World Records

February 18, 2019 by Barton Christmas

With top-ranked financial aid, and America’s Slap-Happiest Students™, Vanderbilt is no slouch when it comes to record-breaking. Here are some of the most impressive records held by our university and its students: Longest Continuous Cry in Front of Esteemed Research Professor 2 hours and 13 minutes, just long enough to take up all of Stephen Buckles’ office hours, and … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt’s Top 9 World Records

Dear Peasants,

February 18, 2019 by Alexandra Cuc

Ever since making a blog with all my besties, life has just been so unfair. People called me "privileged," "wasteful," and "a bitch" (bad bitch), but if I'm just loaded with daddy's money, I think a more accurate term would be "Vandy student". I finally found a way to show off the fact that my dad is rich enough to get me into this school, and now I'm getting all this hate? Not … [Read more...] about Dear Peasants,

Valentines Around the Loop

February 14, 2019 by Tarin Denney

For this latest edition of Around the Loop, the Slant Staff interviewed folks about their V-day plans. Sam, 18, virgin -- HAHA we’re just fucking with you. We’d never ask a virgin what they’re doing on Valentine’s Day. That’s so sad. We care about our readers, and wouldn’t dream of subjecting you to that. Lisa, 40, widowed: I am consumed by tragedy. Today, though, I am … [Read more...] about Valentines Around the Loop

Nine Valentine’s Day Date Ideas

February 13, 2019 by Natalie Martinez-White

Use your Commodore Card to treat your significant other to any of the fine restaurants available to you via Taste of Nashville. Nama is expensive, don’t use REAL money!Picket outside of Zeppos’s office for fairer dining worker wages. Seize the heart of your sweetheart by seizing the means of production. Make some ASMR videos together. The best ASMRs depict fantasies that you … [Read more...] about Nine Valentine’s Day Date Ideas

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A time honored Vanderbilt tradition By Estelle Sh A time honored Vanderbilt tradition

By Estelle Shaya
Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the commen Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the comments
@quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three @quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three (3) VIP Coachella tickets
Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Toro and Timothee Chalamet wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Jello

By Sam Sliman
Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander
You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fi You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fix your mental health.

By Jack Hollier
Very Important! Please read By Damian Ho Very Important! Please read

By Damian Ho
Wow! This is so inspiring! Wow! This is so inspiring!
It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much mo It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much more profitable than universities

By Sam Sliman
EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCE EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCERNED.
Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be enti Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be entitled to one free meal swipe

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