Ring by Spring: A Guide to Marrying Rich
If you are anything like me, you came to Vanderbilt for a very specific reason. Sure, it’s a top-ranked university with a great premed program and some of the happiest students in the country, but it has something else, too. That’s right, this school has some rich boys. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for this “feminist” stuff going around, but I’ve also weighed my options and calculated that my safest bet is to focus my time here on getting my M.R.S because, let’s face it, a communications major will only get me so far. I’m not really a math person, but a starting salary of $43k is considerably less than that of a guy who is about to gain not only his inheritance, but also the position of CEO at his father’s Fortune 500 company. While I have only been at this school for a brief two months, I have already managed to compile the ultimate guide on how to spot one of these old money boys, which I will now share with you. However, I warn those about to read this that the journey will not be easy. While it might seem like this school is crawling with single, preppy, rich boys, the hard part is finding one that doesn’t totally suck, which is why I’m giving you many angles from which to approach this task, so that your odds increase considerably. And if you can’t find a man who suits your needs, you can always transfer to UVA. So read and enjoy, like-minded friends, and allow me to impart my wisdom.
What’s in a Name? Money.
To use a nature reference, one must first find their prey before they can kill it, which in our case means finding a boy before you make your move. The easiest way to do this in our day and age is through some social media stalking. Is he private? Not to worry. The two main giveaways are in the name and the profile picture. When it comes to name, his first name should be old-sounding because any boy from money will most likely be named for his father, grandfather, and so on. Names like Andrew, William, or Charles are good. Odds are that if he has the same name as a president, it’s a safe bet he has money. Last name is more important, however. Obviously if his last name is the name of a company, or shared with someone famous you should snatch him right then. But, unfortunately, it is not always this easy. Look for last names with multiple capital letters, or that just sound rich. Some examples are Richmond, Sinclair, or Lockwood. Also look for any last names with multiple capital letters or “Van” in them. This includes Van Campden, VanBurien, and of course, Vanderbilt.
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Dollars
If a good last name is proving difficult to find, look at the profile pic. Where is this man standing? Is it on a yacht, in the Hamptons, or on a large marble staircase? What is he holding? Is it a fish, a polo mallet, a shotgun, or just a stack of cash? If “yes” was the answer to any of these questions, you have your man. Avoid any guy with some sort of inspirational quote in his bio, especially one about making a difference. It’s great he wants to help people, but being a humanitarian doesn’t pay for his and her Louboutin’s, now does it?
Econ or Bust
If your Instagram search is proving fruitless, there are still other ways to find your junior Gatsby. The easiest is to join classes that someone about to inherit a large sum of money would be interested in. The most obvious is econ classes. After all, one must know what to do with all that money, and how to safely invest it and such so that you can buy that chateau in France (that’s what econ is about, right?). A second and slightly riskier option is to look for a man with a totally wack or just a pointless major. Some examples are someone majoring in music composition (or just anyone in Blair), English, or Women’s and Gender Studies. You may find that the people in these majors are so wealthy that they need not worry about getting a degree in anything with a real-world application. Finally, many people might tell you to find an HOD boy, as it is a good bet that he’s being set up to run Daddy’s company. However, I would advise you to do that with caution. Your man not only needs to be rich, he also needs to have ambition. And let’s face it, if he’s in HOD that probably isn’t the case.
Beware the Big Heart (The Only Charity He Should Donate to is My Shoe Fund)
By all means, avoid anyone premed. Sure, it may seem hot now that this man wants to help sad sick people, but wait until he’s three years into residency making $50k and you’re working the night shift at a Walmart in middle Tennessee. It won’t be fun. The only exception to the premed rule is if he comes from oil money. For some reason people seem to consider this highly lucrative business, shall we say, “not pc” (but then again neither is my baby-kangaroo-hide purse), so his humanitarian doctor act will help balance your reputation, and his family money will aid you in maintaining your desired lifestyle through his residency, until he makes the big bucks as an anesthesiologist. The biggest red flag in the future career category, however, is any man interested in social justice or environmental policy. Most likely, he is rebelling and choosing to distance himself from his father’s grasp and influence and “trying to make a real difference in the world.” Good for him, I guess, but let him find someone who won’t mind when his father cuts him off completely and loves the idea of doing goat yoga in a yurt while wearing crocs. You aren’t that person, sweetie, so please run.
A final note for all you feminists reading this, just remember that at the end of the day, you are receiving a Vanderbilt education, which will get you far in life. But you know what will get you farther? Your husband’s private jet.