From the desk of a culturally sensitive fraternity brother
Hey guys, it’s me again, a culturally sensitive fraternity brother just trying to do the Lord’s work out here. I choose to remain anonymous on my column because I’m doing this not to boost my reputation on campus, but to strive for a deeper sense of social justice in the world. And also, because if I do mistakenly say something ignorant or bigoted, I can’t be held accountable for my actions. Nice!
Anyway, I know that my brothers and I are all well-meaning social liberals who voted for Ted Cruz (NEVER for Trump). But sometimes, we slip up. I’ve had many a brother come up to me and ask, “Hey man, you’re, like, the wokest member of our chapter, and I need some help. In my AXLE Perspectives course, I accidentally said ‘the LBJXQP community’ instead of ‘the LGBTQI community’ in a discussion. After I said it, everyone gasped and three girls I was hooking up with in the class immediately blocked me on all social media platforms. Even Spotify! What do I do?”
An honest mistake – who hasn’t thrown in President Lyndon B. Johnson’s initials into the acronym for this marginalized group? We’ve all been there! But the damage has been done, and now my brother is doomed to be a pariah in the class for the rest of the semester. Lucky for you, I’ve assembled some tips to help you gracefully recover from your social faux pas:
- Start carrying a notecard around with some key phrases, facts and figures that you can consult during class to earn back your respectability as a woke individual. Like “the historical marginalization of women” and “inherited white privilege.” Big points if you’re able to somehow throw in “the binary of gender as a social construct.” Whip out these phrases while discussing even the most unrelated of topics – just keep saying them.
- Get one of your brothers, who happens to be in a minority group, to vouch for you. Start sitting next to them in class, even though you’ve never hung out with them before or even really talked to them at all prior to your incident. Exchange a bro hug in front of a large audience so that people know you’re chill.
- Look up the dates of upcoming marches in Nashville, like the Women’s March, a Pride Parade, or really any sort of parade. Just make sure to take a picture with a clever sign and a somber expression for the #gram.
- Write your own opinion article on the Hustler about something topical and completely groundbreaking, like how something really needs to be done about gun control these days. People might not know this, but things are actually starting to get out of hand. Bonus: you can even log this activity as community service hours for GME! God knows you need the boost.