It seems Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III finally got the hint that he wasn’t wanted at the White House anymore. After months of Donald Trump dropping clues to get Sessions to pack up his clothes and get out, Trump finally had to confront him face to face.
“I tried doing little things like mentioning that my parents were coming into town next month and needed a place to stay, but that didn’t get his attention,” Trump detailed. “So, I moved up to poking a hole in his air mattress to make his back sore in the morning as it deflated, but by the time he even noticed weeks had passed and he began to call my bluff and asked when my parents were coming.
“Honestly, I didn’t know how to get him to leave. When he mentioned needing a place to stay, I appointed him to the Department of Justice, but I didn’t think he’d practically live in the White House. I thought he would just get a hotel room or something. But Sessions was a terrible housemate, and Melania hated him. He kept leaving the toilet unflushed, not hanging up wet towels, and recusing himself from an investigation about whether or not I collaborated with Russia to win the election. Honestly, just a terrible guy to board with.
“So I upped the ante by telling him he looked a bit elfish, his wife was a whore, and that blacks were people too. He must be in dire straights because usually that would piss him off but this time he just nervously chuckled and mumbled about how he gave up his old place to a Commie to come here. But I finally just had to ask him to leave directly.”
Officials familiar with the situation described the scene where Trump told Sessions to “not let the door hit you on your way out” as turning chaotic when Sessions fled Trump’s vicinity. Reports say he initially tried to hide on the top shelf of the White House pantry, but he scampered to Melania’s closet when he couldn’t reach it, not even with the White House pantry step-stool.
The Trumps and Chief of Staff John Kelly spent hours wandering around the 132-room mansion before Kelly got tired and hollered “There’s a Mexican!” At that point, Sessions screeched and ran out of the closet straight into Kelly’s arms where he was handily picked up and carried, kicking and screaming like Rumplestiltskin, to the front door.
Sessions was allegedly only calmed when Kelly mentioned that he could perhaps claim squatter’s rights in Alabama where his racism would be less criticized by the mainstream media.
At press time, Trump claimed that his evicting of Sessions had nothing to do with the Democrats he began renting to yesterday. Trump also assured Gen. Kelly and Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen that their clothes must be getting lost in the White House laundromat and that he definitely wasn’t destroying their suits with a paper shredder to get them to leave.