It was a Friday night. My boyfriend and I had just finished a bottle of rosé and an especially stimulating episode of Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, and were feeling snacky (the perfect mixture of hungry and horny). So, naturally, he suggested that he eat me out. “One sec, I gotta pee first,” I said, as he began shimmying his way downstairs. “Ew, I don’t wanna get my … [Read more...] about My boyfriend didn’t know girls had urethras, so I peed on him during sex as a teaching moment
Archives for November 2018
Gobble, Gobble, Goebels: Thanksgiving with my Neo-Nazi Relatives
Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and if you’re white and from the South like me, that means two things: sweet potatoes and skinheads. Mmhhmmm. Let’s get cookin!!! To be perfectly honest, I love the South: There’s nothing better than good ol’ Southern cooking. Biscuits, stuffing... with a spread this good, you can hardly notice the two eye-holes cut in your uncle’s … [Read more...] about Gobble, Gobble, Goebels: Thanksgiving with my Neo-Nazi Relatives
10 Facts About Vanderbilt that the Tour Guides Don’t Want You to Know
(Photo by Claire Barnett) 1. There’s a guy inside of Mr. C. It’s true! Inside our beloved mascot is just a dude who controls the body. Presumably he’s a student or someone else affiliated with Vandy. Maybe he’s just some random guy. Who knows? 2. We don’t actually have that many squirrels; it’s just three or four of them that are really fast. I thought we had … [Read more...] about 10 Facts About Vanderbilt that the Tour Guides Don’t Want You to Know
Sessions Hides in Melania’s Closet to Escape Eviction Notice
White House It seems Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III finally got the hint that he wasn’t wanted at the White House anymore. After months of Donald Trump dropping clues to get Sessions to pack up his clothes and get out, Trump finally had to confront him face to face. “I tried doing little things like mentioning that my parents were coming into town next month and needed … [Read more...] about Sessions Hides in Melania’s Closet to Escape Eviction Notice
We’re Only Three Emotional Breakdowns Away from Thanksgiving
Friends, with Spooky Season coming to an end and No-Shave November starting off, I can already see the leaves falling, smell the turkey cooking and hear my grandfather screaming at my lesbian aunt about how her flannels are destroying America or whatever. That’s right—as I remind myself about five times a day, Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and that means I only have … [Read more...] about We’re Only Three Emotional Breakdowns Away from Thanksgiving