I know this article is very niche and won’t pertain to many of you, but I am going to talk to a very small, underrepresented demographic on campus: the New York based Vanderbilt students. These are tough times we’re living in. The Red Sox won the World Series, the city of Boston is having another parade, and I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. On the other hand, Vanderbilt baseball legend David Price also just won his elusive first title while smashing his reputation of being an abysmal playoffs pitcher. So either you could see the glass half full in your fairytale world where it’s all rainbows and butterflies, or you could live in the real world and feel deep emotional pain because the worst team in baseball just won a championship. You can guess what side I’m on.
But I, like many New Yorkers (I’m actually from New Jersey but don’t tell anyone), am a busy guy with things to do and people to see. I walk fast and I talk fast. So in that spirit, we’re gonna speed through the 5 Stages of Grief together. By the end of this article, we will be in full understanding of our true emotions.
- DENIAL- No. The Sox didn’t just win. We’re dreaming, right? Or is this some sort of prank or something? Steven Pierce was probably on steroids. They cheated. They should have this win vacated like Louisville with the NCAA Championship. Ugh. Opening Day can’t come soon enough (and neither could Rick Pitino! (look it up, kids))
- ANGER- FUCK! FUUUUUCCCCKKK! FUCK! How do you lose to the fucking Red Sox. They fucking smoked us in the ALDS, and then the goddamn Astros couldn’t put up any semblance of a fight. And God forbid the Dodgers actually play to their ability for once. It took you 18 innings to barely beat them and they just destroy you in four other games. Oh, and hey Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, when they have 2 outs, here’s a crazy idea: maybe don’t let them score every single time. FUCK. I literally can’t think of any city more classless and less deserving not named Philadelphia to win the World Series. FUCK!
- BARGAINING- Please, God. If you just turn back time and have the Red Sox lose, we’ll never say anything bad about the Yankees again. We can stop saying that Aaron Judge looks like Jaws from James Bond and we’ll never call CC Sabathia a fat piece of shit again, no matter how inconsistent his fastball is. Or what if we promise to not be mad if you just give us Manny Machado in the off season. And Bryce Harper. And Mike Trout. And if you bring back Babe Ruth from the dead so he can play some DH.
- DEPRESSION- Whatever, man. It’s all just a silly game. The Red Sox won but it really doesn’t matter because baseball is just a game and it doesn’t matter. And nothing actually matters in life. There’s no meaning to anything ever. Like Werner Herzog said, “The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man.” We were born from nothing and one day, we shall die and turn back into nothing. God is dead.
- ACCEPTANCE- Ok. The Red Sox won the World Series. Fine. There’s nothing we can do about that. We should be happy that former Commodore David Price played well and is now a champion. At least there’s that little bit that we can hang on to. All we can do now is just watch a real sport like basketball or football to pass the time now. We’ll get through this. Trust me.
I wish I could say that helped but truth be told, I just got mad at the anger part and then the depression part really brought me down. And I didn’t mean a word of what I said in the acceptance part. I just saw a video of the Sox singing “New York New York” by Frank Sinatra in the club house and I’m really sad now. Fuck. Alright. Shout out David Price for being a champ but I still hate him. That’s all from me.
P.S. – Props to me for being mature enough to not mention the fact that the Yankees still have won 18 more World Series than the Sox and that we’re also undeniably the greatest team or franchise in any sport in the history of Western Civilization. #classy