The Oscars are coming up in just a few days, and I’m excited. No, really, I am. I’m ready to root for Call Me By Your Name for Best Picture with gusto, one of the nine films nominated for the category this year. It deserves to win, it really does. Even though I ~initially~ thought when the nominations were released that I, Tonya had been snubbed, and was (understandably!) a little heated at first, I now have come to accept The Academy’s decision and respect their right to form their own cinematic opinions. I’ve let go of my seething resentment, and now I’ve moved on. Really. Totally over it. Go, Timothée Chalamet.
It’s just that…THERE WAS AN EXTRA NOMINATION. THEY COULD HAVE GIVEN OUT TEN TOTAL NOMINATIONS FOR BEST PICTURE, AND THEY ONLY GAVE OUT NINE. THEY COULD HAVE GIVEN THE LAST ONE TO I, TONYA EVEN IF THEY WERE NEVER PLANNING ON SELECTING IT TO WIN. THEY COULD HAVE AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGED IT. THEY COULD HAVE GIVEN THE TENTH NOMINATION TO THE EMOJI MOVIE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. THAT ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THEY WEREN’T DELIBERATELY LEAVING OUT I, TONYA JUST TO SPITE US. IT WAS A CHOICE. IT WAS CALCULATED. THESE PEOPLE GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT DUNKIRK WAS A BETTER MOVIE THAN I, TONYA AND CALL THEMSELVES CINEMATIC EXPERTS. THAT MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE. PEOPLE ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP WHILE WATCHING IT. I ONLY STAYED FOR THE WHOLE TIME BECAUSE I THOUGHT HARRY STYLES LOOKED REALLY HOT WITH THAT NEW HAIRCUT. LIKE YEAH I GET WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THIS DRAMATIC DOCUMENTARY BLAH BLAH BLAH AND IT WAS FINE BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PART IN I, TONYA WHEN MARGOT ROBBIE SAYS “My whole life, I’d been told I wouldn’t amount to anything. Well you know what, maybe I would”? OR WHEN ALLISON JANNEY IS ALL LIKE, “I made you a champion, knowing you’d hate me for it. That’s the sacrifice a mother makes.” THAT IS ARTISTRY RIGHT THERE. AND I GET IT, THE MOVIE ASKED THE AUDIENCE TO SYMPATHIZE WITH TONYA HARDING, SOMEONE WHOSE INVOLVEMENT IN THE BRUTAL AND CRUEL ATTACK ON NANCY KERRIGAN WAS NEVER FULLY DETERMINED. SHE EXISTS IN REAL LIFE AND MAYBE IT’S NOT APPROPRIATE FOR US TO FORGIVE AND FORGET ALL OF HER DEEDS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE. BUT IT’S A MOVIE. IT’S FICTIONAL. MOVIES ARE FICTIONAL. AND IT’S NOT NECESSARILY ASKING US FOR OUR SYMPATHY BUT RATHER JUST SHOWING US WHAT HER LIFE WAS REALLY LIKE. NOT TO MENTION THE SOUNDTRACK WAS INCREDIBLE, OKAY. IF YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO NOMINATE THE BLIND SIDE FOR BEST PICTURE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, A MOVIE THAT CONSTRUCTS THE WHITE SAVIOR COMPLEX AND ACTUALLY SUGGESTS THAT NFL PLAYER MICHAEL OHER DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL UNTIL SANDRA BULLOCK TAUGHT HIM, THEN HOW DARE YOU REJECT I, TONYA ON GROUNDS OF HISTORICAL INACCURACY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
But like I said, I’m really over it. I’m not bitter at all anymore. Tune in to the Oscars tonight at 8 p.m. E.T. to watch Frances McDormand win Best Actress while Margot Robbie quietly cries into a Chick-Fil-A sandwich offstage. There is no God.