When was the last time you cried? If it was fairly recent, you are probably one of two things: a miserable wretch or a STEM major (or both). Regardless, Vanderbilt offers a trove of suitable places for any kind of cry session. Here is my comprehensive list of the best places to cry on campus, for every crier.
1. In line for a Rand bowl during lunch rush
You’ve got 20 minutes and the back of thirty heads to stare at. At the end of it all you’ll get some steamy quinoa drizzled with pesto, oil, and your slimy snot!! A perfect cry on the go.
2. Your ex’s dorm
Yes, you’ll have to break in. But think of the crying you could get done here. The best part: they don’t even have to be present (or awake!)
3. In the middle of a campus tour
Slowly make your way into the group, gently intertwining your fingers with the tour guide’s before beginning your tear show. Show the prospies what being a Vanderbilt student is really about.
4. Neely Auditorium
For the crier who loves to perform.
5. Divinity library at Central
Flipping open a dusty book written by some fifteenth century theologian will instantly add an existential and Shakespearean flair to your cry problems: “Why have I choseth to attend this school?” “How didst that wench get a Google internship?” “Why can’t ye get a text back??”
6. Lying face down on Central Lawn
Spring semester is for outdoor crying!!! Sure, you might hear questions like, “Who’s crying at 9am?” “Is that my VUceptor?” “Why is he dressed like Spider man?” but don’t let that rob you of a fulfilling cry session!!
For all you vegan motherfuckers out there.
8. Office hours
Every cry needs an ear to abuse. Your calculus TA is the perfect supportive outlet for this occasion. Send an email saying you have some “general concerns” about your progress in the course. When you get in that door, let loose. Howl. And ask for any extra credit opportunities.