With a few weeks of football in the books, The Slant is excited to announce the start of our Heisman rankings. Periodically, throughout the season we’ll review the top five contenders and a player to watch who just missed the cut.
Week 3 Rankings:
1. Kyle Shurmur (Vanderbilt)
After leading the Dore’s to a 3-0 start to their season for the first time since 2011, many around the country are giving Kyle Shurmur some serious Heisman consideration. Through 3 games Shurmur has 703 yards and 8 touchdowns with no interceptions, making him the only quarterback in the nation currently without an interception. Vanderbilt recently jumped to number 14 in the US News college rankings as Kyle Shurmur, number 14 on the field, was busy torching defenses. Coincidence? I think not. When asked about other Heisman candidates, Coach Derek Mason said, “They’re not better than Kyle, that’s for Shurmur!”
2. Baker Mayfield (Oklahoma)
Baker Mayfield stayed fresh in a dominant win over Tulane on Saturday. He threw for four touchdowns, without an interception, continuing on his statistic as the only quarterback in the nation to not throw an interception. Off the field Mayfield has a strong commitment to community service. In June he pledged 36 hours of community service after Oklahoma ordered him to perform 35 following a drunken disorderly conduct arrest in February.
3. Mason Rudolph (Oklahoma State)
Mason Rudolph shined brighter than a reindeer’s nose in a huge win over Kevin Stallings’ Pitt Panthers. Rudolph threw for 972 yards in coach Gundy’s spread offense, which consisted of 32 consecutive Hail Mary plays. Rudolph still has some room for improvement, seeing as he still has not matched his coach’s mullet. A wise man once said, “It’s gotta be the hair, Cotton. Feathered and lethal! You just don’t see that anymore.” Rudolph might want to look into this because Kyle Shurmur is currently winning the hair game after receiving advice from Vanderbilt alum, Jay Cutler.
4. OJ Simpson (Lovelock Correctional Center Blue Team)
Soon to be released felon, OJ Simpson, is several football analysts dark horse to win this year’s Heisman. Simpson’s parole officers think that the best way for him to rejoin society is to go back to where he was most successful, college football. Eligible for release after October 1, Simpson will have up to half a season to show off the skills that earned him his first Heisman back in 1968. While some say that the fact that he is 70 might be a challenge, prison trainer “Bone Saw” Jackson says he is in the best shape of his life. Jackson reports, “Juice still looks like the man he was 8 years ago, when he led the blue team to a flag football championship in the Lovelock Correctional Center tournament.”
5. Josh Rosen (UCLA)
Rosen has seen rosier pastures than his last game against Memphis. UCLA suffered a heartbreaking loss to the Tigers, falling 48-45 in the waning moments of the game. Rosen threw for over 400 yards with four touchdowns, but UCLA’s swiss cheese defense let the team down in the end. This loss is especially disappointing because now he has to go to class on Monday. Rosen clearly stated football and school don’t go together, so our thoughts and prayers are with him. Rosen is also concerned that his prolific stats might mean he has to play for the Jets. Some say that he’ll stay in school to avoid this Sisyphean fate, but as any good Economics major knows it’s better to take the money now.
Player To Watch: Reggie Bush (Formerly of USC)
Reggie Bush was one of the most dominant players in college football history. He culminated his incredible sophomore season with the 2004 Heisman trophy, winning by the largest margin since OJ Simpson in 1968. Unfortunately, Bush’s Heisman was taken away after a court case proved that he received improper benefits. Bush received about $300,000 in gifts, but it was actually the extra side of guac from Chipotle that a fan bought him that sent the NCAA into a witch hunt. Bush is seeking to use the little known provision that allows a player to reapply for the Heisman after 10 years. This will require a court hearing, but Bush hired the best lawyers he could find: the ghosts of Rob Kardashian Sr. and Johnnie Cochran, whom Bush’s ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian helped locate.
Written by Connor Perlin & Thomas Rice