10. Kappa Fappa
Please help. I am stuck inside a fraternity basement filling with sand. I am a rush or I am a pledge. Wait, no, I am a “potential new member.” Or I am a “new member”. Either way, I have no idea what is going on and I am terrified. I may or may not be about to die and it’s fucking painful. The only way they said I could escape was if I ranked the Greek Chapters correctly. Please help.
9. Fee Fi (or is it Phi Phi)
Shit. I’m not kidding. I don’t know what’s happening. The floor is sticky and sandy at the same time. I can hear them laughing. I can’t die, this isn’t funny.
8. Omega Three
I don’t know any of the actual Greek names. Please. I am sandy and dying considerably slowly.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING THEY JUST KEEP TELLING ME TO “LIKE IT PLEDGE! LIKE IT!”
6. Feta Cheese
I don’t like it. I don’t like the sand and I don’t like ranking these chapters. Are any of these chapters? Is this rush? Do I get a bid at the end of this list? Have I already gotten a bid? Is this pledging? Why is there sand?
5. Fiji Island
Ok my hair is so sandy and they keep making jokes about Gulf Shores but I do not know what they are referring to. I have heard that Gulf Shores is fun, and dying with sand in your toes is not fun. Someone made a reference that this will only last as long as fall break? How long is fall break?
4. Delta Airlines
I think they are stopping soon — someone said something about Case Interview prep for a consulting job? I think this man has a long week ahead of writing cover letters to Bain and McKinsey so he cannot torture me with sand death much longer.
3. Gamma Ray
Okay fuck I’m so confused either it’s gonna stop soon or get much worse. This man is saying he has to go to the Career Center to talk to someone about Investment Banking. I think he called it IB, I thought he meant Irritable Bowel at first, hah! I hope he feels better soon except for I’m fucking dying probably. Have you ever swallowed sand? Turns out it’s just a bunch of small rocks. NOT as fun as it sounds. I hope his bowels get more irritated.
2. Nu Year Nu Me
They have stopped with the sand, but they say pledges have to clean up before everyone goes home. I have escaped the basement but I’m not sure what is real anymore? There is a senior crying in the corner. He said he can’t choose between a shitty job at a top firm or a better position at a small boutique firm in California. I think I heard him sob “California has no clout” into his resume.
1. Delta Kappa Epsilon