Slant Review

Game of Thrones Season 6 Recap

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Season 7 is today.  The boys and damsels at HBO are having a wet dream as they imagine the money flowing into their absurdly profitable show.  The boy and damsels of America (and computer literate Ukrainians) and are having a wet dream as they imagine the majesty of Westeros.  

If you are new to Game of Thrones, Jon Snow comes back to life.  There, I spoiled Season 6 for ya.  Get outta here.

It’s been a while, so if you haven’t watched Season 6 in a while, here’s what happened in the last season:

  1. Arya is back, and she has bought a bunch of very realistic Mission Impossible masks.  I can see her dying.

  2. Boom boom.  What’s that?  Oh classic, a church full of a dissenting religion and political enemies.  Sounds like Russia!  Oh wait, that’s not Putin, that’s Cersei.  And she has a lot of power and all her kids are dead.  What a shame.  

  3. Winter is there.  Its summer here in the glorious USA, the place where all three of my readers reside (thanks Mom, Dad, and the copy-editor!).  

  4. Samuel has a nice sword.  In this instance, I am not talking about his badoinkadoink.  Theon has no sword.  In this instance, I am talking about his badoinkadoink.  RIP.

  5. Daenerys is coming to Westeros with bald guy, short guy, dying rock guy, no-balls pointy stick guys, horse guys, ship guys, and dragons.  

  6. Jon Snow is the King of North.  Sansa is trying hard to advisor-zone Littlefinger.  Littlefinger is trying hard to red dot Sansa.  White Walkers are trying hard to convert everyone to the ice-zombie cult.  The Red Lady is trying hard to be relevant.

  7. George R.R. Martin isn’t dead yet.  Honestly, he’s probably not gonna make it to the end.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the next one to hit the grave.

  8. The Hound killed his brother in an epic duel, demonstrating his dominance and power.  What a dawg.

  9. Bran finds himself stuck in the past permanently and must fight the White Walkers to return to the real world.

Some of these are completely false.  This is a comedy article, not some buzzfeed Internet vomit.  

Remember, Game of Thrones is on at 9 p.m.  If you don’t watch it right away the Internet becomes a minefield of explosive spoilers so WATCH IT AT 9 p.m. (or 8 p.m. if you’re a loser in the central time zone).

There will be approximately one review per episode (unless I don’t feel like it), so keep those nipples hard.

  • July 16, 2017

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