Elves on Strike: Christmas 2017 May Be Canceled

Over one million elves have gathered in front of the Claus Palace in central North Pole to protest Santa’s platform for 2017’s Christmas policies. Mr. Claus believes that Christmas has become too much about family spirit and goodwill rather than the presents. Therefore, he hopes to “make Christmas great again” by embodying the spirit of capitalism that Christmas is truly about. Santa plans to lower elf working wages, decrease assembly line style production, build a gumdrop wall to prevent South Pole elves from seeking work in North Pole factories, and force the South Pole elves to pay for the wall.

Although these changes may seem sudden, Santa recently released a report describing his long term goals behind these policy adaptations. In the report Santa explains his plans for what he calls “Elfed Up, Trickle Down Economics,” in which the creation of more expensive merchandise will lead wealthier families to spend more money, in turn aiding all facets of the economy. Santa claims that his main goal of maximizing toy production can be achieved only through increasing elf labor, and expresses that “we wouldn’t want the elves to get lazy” by reducing work hours and increasing salary.

However, the elves are threatening to stop present-production altogether if Santa does not agree to increase wages and allow South Pole elves to work in the factories. With South Pole elves making up over 12% of the elf population, the deportation of South Pole elves would require North Pole elves to wrap at least three times as fast as required currently. Local nutrition experts fear that the physical exertion from wrapping may be too great, even if syrup intake is increased twofold.

The revolting elves have camped out in front of the palace gates, carrying sharpened candy canes in case of police retaliation. Many elves have made signs with the slogans: “No presents if you call us peasants” and “It’s time for Santa to be fat checked.” Although Mr. and Mrs. Claus have not appeared from inside the Palace, Santa recently tweeted in response to the outburst, “They’re protesting against me just because they don’t know me.” However, rumors indicate that even elves who have worked with Santa for over 200 years will transfer to work for the Easter Bunny if conditions are not improved. Many people around the globe have begun to fear: could this have been the last Christmas?