Op-Ed: I’ve never done one of these prayer things before…

Dear God,

First of all, sorry I denied Your existence all these years. I guess I just never thought it would come to this, but the election is today, so I thought I’d hit You up just to be safe. You’ve probably heard, but our country is on the verge of electing a greasy genital-grabbing goblin to the highest office.

The following is a list of actions I promise to take in order to atone for my sins. All I ask is that You give Hillary just a little divine boost.

1. I will stop mooching Ubers by insisting that I only have the Lyft app

2. I will stop using the card to purchase underage margaritas from Chuy’s

3. I will refrain from participating in Facebook comment thread fights

4. I will not double park my bike

5. I will not hide my Rand cookie under a bed of salad greens and pretend that I only have three sides

6. I will actually go to Visions

7. I will stop engaging in the false idolatry of Commons omelets

8. I will graciously help my grandmother set up her new iPad

9. I will wait in the back of the 45 minute bowl line, even though my roommate is LITERALLY THIRD and I JUST HAVE TO ASK HER A QUESTION REAL QUICK

10. I will delete my finsta once and for all

11. I will spill the blood of the bourgeoisie and seize the means of production for the gentle laborer

12. I will floss

Thanks in advance.

Amen