Do you think you’re ugly? Consider yourself lucky. You happened to be born as one of the few decently attractive hairless land mammals. Check out this ugly beast. It will make you feel better about yourself, I promise.
That didn’t do it for you? Huh. I bet I have something even uglier. You like cats? Cats are usually pretty cute? What about this cat? Surely, this fucker is uglier than you think you are.
Okay, I’m very sorry, but there’s been an accident. You might see a very beautiful hairless land mammal. Please close your eyes now so you don’t start to think you’re ugly again.
All right, you can open your eyes now. Phew, that was close. Okay, back to the ugly hairless land mammals. You’re gonna feel better, cross my heart. Just look at this ugly hairless land mammal and try to think about how beautiful you are. Relax. It will all be okay.
Good, good. Keep relaxing. Relax very hard. Relax so hard that you close your eyes and don’t take a single tiny peek because – I’m so very sorry – there’s been another accident. I don’t know how it got here, but, yes, there’s another very beautiful hairless land mammal here. Are your eyes closed? Good. Keep them closed until I tell you to open them. It will all be over soon.
All right, we’re clear. Open those eyes. Gaze upon this ugly, unlucky, hairless land mammal. Think about how much more beautiful you are than this disgusting, wrinkly, naked beast. Look at this hideous creature. You are gorgeous.
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT I promise that picture wasn’t there the last time I checked. I am so sorry. You must feel so ugly. I don’t know why this keeps happening. You should probably go. Now. Run. RUN.